April 7, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 99  

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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

And the Shuky Award goes to...

Shukvision
Mark Polishuk

Opinions Editor

Gazette file photo
I JUST WON A SHUKY AWARD! The Donald is all smiles.

It’s the award that every TV personality dreams of: the Shuky Award. Honouring the best and worst in TV since last September, only a chosen few can put the award on their mantle and/or toilet tank. The envelopes please... .

BEST DRAMA: 24. It’s taken a while to get going this season, but 24 has been on a roll through the last few episodes. Jack Bauer’s body count is pretty low this year, so you just know he’s saving up for a grand finale. Honourable mention: Angel.

WORST DRAMA: Tru Calling. Poor Eliza Dushku. Why is such a pretty girl stuck on such a horrid program? Honourable Mention: Train 48. “Real” people, “real” problems, really crappy.

BEST SITCOM: Arrested Development. Even better, this great Fox show has been renewed for next year. “Daddy horny, Michael.” Honourable Mention: Chappelle’s Show, which is damn funny though it’s not really a sitcom.

WORST SITCOM: It’s All Relative. If homophobia could actually be a physical thing, it would be this show. The writing is beyond terrible. Honourable Mention: Yes, Dear.

BEST TALK SHOW: Late Night with Conan O’Brien. Conan knocking over his microphone will never get old. Honourable Mention: Late Show with David Letterman.

WORST TALK SHOW: Last Call with Carson Daly. It’s basically like the TV version of FHM Magazine, except the women wear more clothes. Boo-urns to that. Honourable Mention: The Mike Bullard Show.

BEST REALITY SHOW: The Apprentice. Donald Trump owns you too, but you just don’t know it yet. Honourable Mention: Survivor: Pearl Islands. To quote Rupert, “ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!”

WORST REALITY SHOW: The show that was basically Average Joe except with midgets. It only lasted a few episodes, probably because God sent a few lightning bolts down to smite the producers. Honourable Mention: The Simple Life.

BEST CANADIAN SHOW: Trailer Park Boys. Buying a rum and Coke has officially become “drinking a Julian.” Honourable Mention: The Newsroom.

BEST SHOW THAT’LL BE CANCELED: Angel. The WB is canning its second-highest rated show because their network is so dilapidated they can’t afford airing two high-budget sci-fi/fantasy/adventure shows. Smallville gets to stay, Angel gets the cut. I say they settle it in a fight between Angel and Superman. Angel couldn’t beat the real Superman, but he would beat the pants off a whiny, angsty teenage Clark Kent.

BEST SPORTSCASTER: Bob Costas, NBC. He doesn’t get much to do as NBC has no sports anymore, but he’s still the man. Honourable Mention: Peter Alliss (ABC golf), John Saunders (ESPN)

WORST SPORTSCASTER: Nick Kypreos, Sportsnet. If Don Cherry ever retires, Kypreos can take over as the new pigheaded enemy of skilled hockey. Honourable Mention: Tim McCarver (Fox baseball), Dan O’Toole, TSN Sportscentre, those three loudmouths on ESPN NFL Sunday Night

IMAGINARY TV GIRLFRIEND: Amber from All-Star Survivor. She was always hot, but now she apparently has a personality too. She is currently taken by Boston Rob, but since the Red Sox (and by proxy, their fans) always choke, I’m presuming he’ll botch things up somehow. Honourable mention: Portia de Rossi (Arrested Development), Carolyn (The Apprentice)

IMAGINARY TV BOYFRIEND: This seems as good a place as any to give a shoutout to Jerry “Briscoe” Orbach, who’s leaving Law & Order after 11.5 seasons. He just seems like a really cool grandpa. Honourable Mention: Ellen Degeneres.

UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS TV MOMENT OF THE YEAR: That dude on Average Joe: Hawaii dumping Larissa because she used to date Fabio. What the hell was up with that? Honourable Mention: Watching Elisabeth Rohm try to act on Law & Order.

 

 

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