ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
And the Shuky Award goes to...
Gazette file photo
I JUST WON A SHUKY AWARD! The Donald is all smiles.
It’s the award that every TV personality dreams of:
the Shuky Award. Honouring the best and worst in TV since last September, only
a chosen few can put the award on their mantle and/or toilet tank. The envelopes
BEST DRAMA: 24. It’s taken a while to get going this season, but 24
has been on a roll through the last few episodes. Jack Bauer’s body count
is pretty low this year, so you just know he’s saving up for a grand
finale. Honourable mention: Angel.
WORST DRAMA: Tru Calling. Poor Eliza Dushku. Why is such a pretty girl stuck
on such a horrid program? Honourable Mention: Train 48. “Real” people, “real” problems,
BEST SITCOM: Arrested Development. Even better, this great Fox show has been
renewed for next year. “Daddy horny, Michael.” Honourable Mention:
Chappelle’s Show, which is damn funny though it’s not really a
WORST SITCOM: It’s All Relative. If homophobia could actually be a physical
thing, it would be this show. The writing is beyond terrible. Honourable Mention:
BEST TALK SHOW: Late Night with Conan O’Brien. Conan knocking over his
microphone will never get old. Honourable Mention: Late Show with David Letterman.
WORST TALK SHOW: Last Call with Carson Daly. It’s basically like the
TV version of FHM Magazine, except the women wear more clothes. Boo-urns to
that. Honourable Mention: The Mike Bullard Show.
BEST REALITY SHOW: The Apprentice. Donald Trump owns you too, but you just
don’t know it yet. Honourable Mention: Survivor: Pearl Islands. To quote
WORST REALITY SHOW: The show that was basically Average Joe except with midgets.
It only lasted a few episodes, probably because God sent a few lightning bolts
down to smite the producers. Honourable Mention: The Simple Life.
BEST CANADIAN SHOW: Trailer Park Boys. Buying a rum and Coke has officially
become “drinking a Julian.” Honourable Mention: The Newsroom.
BEST SHOW THAT’LL BE CANCELED: Angel. The WB is canning its second-highest
rated show because their network is so dilapidated they can’t afford
airing two high-budget sci-fi/fantasy/adventure shows. Smallville gets to stay,
Angel gets the cut. I say they settle it in a fight between Angel and Superman.
Angel couldn’t beat the real Superman, but he would beat the pants off
a whiny, angsty teenage Clark Kent.
BEST SPORTSCASTER: Bob Costas, NBC. He doesn’t get much to do as NBC
has no sports anymore, but he’s still the man. Honourable Mention: Peter
Alliss (ABC golf), John Saunders (ESPN)
WORST SPORTSCASTER: Nick Kypreos, Sportsnet. If Don Cherry ever retires, Kypreos
can take over as the new pigheaded enemy of skilled hockey. Honourable Mention:
Tim McCarver (Fox baseball), Dan O’Toole, TSN Sportscentre, those three
loudmouths on ESPN NFL Sunday Night
IMAGINARY TV GIRLFRIEND: Amber from All-Star Survivor. She was always hot,
but now she apparently has a personality too. She is currently taken by Boston
Rob, but since the Red Sox (and by proxy, their fans) always choke, I’m
presuming he’ll botch things up somehow. Honourable mention: Portia de
Rossi (Arrested Development), Carolyn (The Apprentice)
IMAGINARY TV BOYFRIEND: This seems as good a place as any to give a shoutout
to Jerry “Briscoe” Orbach, who’s leaving Law & Order
after 11.5 seasons. He just seems like a really cool grandpa. Honourable Mention:
UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS TV MOMENT OF THE YEAR: That dude on Average Joe:
Hawaii dumping Larissa because she used to date Fabio. What the hell was up
with that? Honourable Mention: Watching Elisabeth Rohm try to act on Law & Order.