April 8, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 100  

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God admonishes the news team for being themselves

By Marshall Bellamy, Dan Perry and Anton Vidgen
Gazette Staff

It’s been a year of ups and downs, highs and lows, love and hate, old shoes and new shoes. Three Gazette News Editors decided to sit down and relate what they felt molded this past year.

Marshall: If there was one thing that moulded this year, I would have to say it was the whole purple awning fiasco. I’ve never heard the University Students’ Council spend so much time debating over absolutely nothing. If given a chance, they would debate about the meaning of life, and then agree it starts and ends with the USC.

Dan: Doesn’t it? Sorry, as of last week, I get paid to say that. Seriously, though, the most defining moment of this year was the creation of the new film department, and the assumption that our coverage influenced the decision. I mean, how often does student journalism actually bring about change?

Anton: So boooring, this purple awning and film biznatch. For me, there’s one thing that 2003/04 can be remembered for: Cow Plop Bingo, or the lack thereof. The renovation of Concrete Beach warranted a flashy inaugural event, but of course the university brass had to step on the idea of students betting on where a cow poops, no pun intended. How typical of musty adults.

Marshall: There are so many things that should have happened, like a twilight drinking raid by the Pirates of the Thames, or maybe some boar-hunting expeditions on campus — or even the construction of a golden statue idolizing Western President Paul Davenport. The only problem was everyone else was too busy eating yellow snow to do anything overly interesting this year.
Dan: It’s been a terrible year for news — no naked masturbator.

Anton: Yeah, we pray to Him for good news coverage.

Marshall: I just wasn’t seen by anyone this year.

Dan: Although, we did do a story on a 900 person orgy in China — that’s almost as sketchy.

Anton: The orgy thing sounded like lots o’ fun, almost as ludicrous as the rising insurance premiums that forced institutions to itemize cost reductions and institute stricter approval protocols necessary to facilitate the perseverance of licensed events.

Marshall: Maybe if the insurance companies give us any more problems we should strap them to a bunch of super-rockets and shoot them into outer space, not unlike a certain geographic region that really pisses me off.

Dan: At least your “racist” viewpoint gets you letters — I called the new BA program crap, democracy fascism and whined about not being able to vote. For the first time in my life, I wanted hate-mail.

Anton: Pish-posh! Your serf-like, common-place, Dickensian-proletarian approach to attracting incendiary responses is reprehensible. My “fair and balanced” ethical system has won me much acclaim, especially of my coverage of The Spoke renovation.

God: You’re all going to hell.



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