February 3, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 68  

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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Tad Hamilton sucks, Kate’s nipples rule

By Dave Picard
Gazette Staff
Paul Leishman
Gazette Writer


Win a Date with Tad Hamilton

Starring: Kate Bosworth, Josh Duhamel, Topher Grace
Directed by: Robert Luketic

Gazette file photo
“NICE TO MEET YOU... DICK.” Topher Grace (left) and Josh Duhamel (right) fight over Kate Bosworth in Tad Hamilton.

Win a Date with Tad Hamilton asks the all important question: how many smiles do you have? Who the fuck cares?

However, if you do care and you’re a horny male, then perhaps Tad is for you, as it will leave you with at least one smile at the thought of boning Kate Bosworth.

This one comforting thought is all the generic tween romedy has to offer. In a pathetically hollow nutshell, the plot is as follows: celebrity heartthrob Tad Hamilton (Duhamel) meets Rosalee Futch, the gorgeous girl-next-door played by Bosworth, and falls in love. Alas — wait for it — her unlikable, sarcastic best friend Pete (Grace) is also in love with her!

If the thought of a gorgeous yet innocent girl-next-door falling in love with an ugly guy doesn’t set off your bullshit detector, then you may be able to stomach the mythical nature of this film. The story could never happen, especially here in London, because everyone knows that hot girls — who aren’t uppity bitches — don’t exist.

If the producers believe that news of Duhamel endlessly flaunting his menacing breasts would entice hot girls, they were right — if by “hot” they meant twelve-year-old girls accompanied by their dysfunctional youth-obsessed mothers. The air in any theatre playing Tad is guaranteed to be thick with pre-pubescent estrogen, accompanied by a menopausal musk in about a six-to-one ratio.

Only dysfunctional domestic engineers deprived of mature social contact could possibly enjoy the inept performances of Duhamel and Grace. Quite simply, Duhamel’s acting sucks, while Grace remains in his rut, once again portraying Eric Foreman, but with a different haircut. It is now delightfully spikey — thanks Dep!

However, one performance does stick out. Bosworth steals the spotlight by spending one scene draped in an innocent nightie that showcases her attentive nipples. She also proves herself an acting veteran in scenes involve smiling, screaming and jumping, being hickish, wet and looking. Politics or not, it would be a shocker if Bosworth is not garnished with an Oscar Tad.

If the acting isn’t bad enough, the writing will leave you wishing you’d stayed home and rented Swimfan again. Worth noting is the über-realistic dialogue, containing such phrases as “guard your carnal treasure” and “manhood yearning to be free,” and an inspiring speech about love and life delivered by a skanky, surely hepatitis-ridden, tattooed bartender girl.

While the writers may have earned some of their meagre wages, Tad’s musical composers must have taken the easy route and redeemed their American Eagle Outfitters coupons to purchase the latest sampler CD. It is put to good use in a musical montage featuring images of clouds. Yes, clouds.

This may be slightly apropos, as you do not have to be Miss Cleo to experience a similar mental montage of painfully accurate predictions regarding the film’s weak ending.

Regardless of this, Tad earns all five enthusiastic stars solely due to Bosworth’s acting chops. Plus, she has two different coloured eyes. Cool.

 

 

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