February 3, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 68  

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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Round Bed 2: Teasing, testing and tasting lube

Laura Kobez/Gazette
A RAINBOW OF LUBE. All the flavours you could ask for — and more. Which one would you pick?

Everyone should be aware of the presence of flavoured condoms and you even know which one tastes the best if you’re an avid reader of The Gazette. However, it is likely that fewer of you have come across the marvel of flavoured lube.

Well, your friends here in Arts & Entertainment are here to ensure you’re familiar with a variety of flavours, thus making your shopping experience in sex stores less stressful.

Sin City employee Joel Johnstone provided a quick lesson on the wonders of lubricant. “Lube adds pleasure, but there can be such a thing as too much lube,” he warns. In gay male couples, both members should use lube, as it does not occur naturally. In straight couples, lube is generally reserved for the guy, although if you’d like to skip the foreplay and delve right into it, Johnstone suggests to “give the lube a go.”

Giving the lube “a go” will be your team of condom taste-testers, A&E Editor Lori Mastronardi, Gazette staffer Nicole D’Cruz and third-year Western students Yvonne Lam and Jesse Steiche. Together, they found seven of the most interesting flavours out there, and proceeded to taste each one. Here’s what they came up with...
Nicole, Yvonne, Lori and Jesse assume positions on the bed, circling themselves with seven tiny packages of lube. Wow, where will this lead?

Lori: Do we want to start with cheesecakes or fruits?
Nicole: Cheesecake sounds intense.
Yvonne: Cheesecake is like dessert and should be at the end, whereas you can eat fruit all day.

CHOO-CHOO CHERRY
Lori: Let’s start with the familiar cherry.
Jesse: It all starts with the cherry, or the popping of.
Lori: It’s not that bad.
Nicole: I don’t like fake cherry flavour.
Yvonne: Eeeeeyaacchhh!!
Nicole: It tastes like cough syrup.
Yvonne: It tastes watered-down.
Nicole: It tastes like something you shouldn’t eat.
Jesse: It tastes like burning.

PUCKER-UP PASSIONFRUIT
Lori: It leaves a tingle on your tongue. It’s a bit too tart.
Nicole: I don’t know if you’d want this sour taste. You’d turn someone off.
Jesse: [in a Southern accent] It tastes like I’m in Georgia.
Yvonne: It’s watered-down.
Nicole: Well, it’s a water-based product. It tastes like something...
Jesse: Peach?
Nicole: No, it tastes like a product.
Jesse: Fuzzy peaches!

MISCHIEVOUS MELON
Lori: You can taste the melon a lot. The flavour is initially intense, but there’s a bad aftertaste.
Nicole: My mouth is dry now, which is odd because this is lubricant.
Yvonne: It tastes like syrup.
Jesse: No comment on this one.

KIWI-STRAWBERRY
Nicole: It tastes like Jello — cherry Jello — but maybe it’s the consistency that makes me think that.
Yvonne: It tastes like melon balls.
Jesse: Yeah, like melon liquor.
Nicole: Sourpuss.
Yvonne: What a good name — Sourpuss Lubricant.
Nicole: No, that’s just the natural flavour.
Lori: This one tastes like Peach Schnapps; the other tasted like Melon Liquor… I think we’re just alcoholics.

POOLSIDE PIÑA COLADA
Lori: Oh, this one tastes good. But there is that lingering suntan taste to it.
Nicole: But if you’re doing it on the beach, it would be good.
Yvonne: [Breaks out into song] “Do you like piña coladas? And getting caught in the rain... ”
Lori: The aftertaste is good on this one.
Jesse: This is an intense flavour.
Nicole: It starts out coconutty and tastes like pineapple later.
Jesse: I wonder if it’s good to consume large quantities of lube?

STRAWBERRY
CHEESECAKE

Lori: This is good… it’s sweet.
Yvonne: Mmmm.
Lori: This is good if you get hungry; you know when you’re...
Yvonne: On a diet?
Nicole: Atkins! And then you could have the chocolate condoms.
Jesse: An all-meat diet!
Lori: Drinks or dessert, it’d depend on your mood.
Nicole: I don’t think I like the cake.
Lori: This makes me dizzy a little bit.

BLUEBERRY CHEESECAKE
Yvonne: I think I just like cheesecake.
Lori: It takes you to a happy place?

Alternative names
Nicole, who really likes making up names, offered these suggestions to replace the current lubricant names:
Pussyfruit
Blueballs Cheesecake
Raw Berry
Pop my cherry cheesecakes

Overall Ratings
Nicole, Lori and Jesse all enjoyed Piña Colada the most, while Yvonne couldn’t get enough of her Strawberry Cheesecake. Choo-Choo Cherry was the least tasty of all. Ultimately, it depends on your mood — are you up for drinks or dessert?

 

 

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