February 5, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 70  

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Random thoughts on the state of the world

Jordan Bell

Managing Editor

Random thoughts on the state of the world...

• Answering machines: Who the hell is that pompous, arrogant lady that is the voice of virtually every answering machine on the face of the planet? Every time I get home from work and press that flashing red button (which looks like the trigger that will blow the Earth to smithereens), she proclaims, “you have zeeeeeerrrrrooooo messages,” which is her smug way of saying, “you are a big motha fuckin’ loser and I will make your life a living hell until you die. Fuck off.” And then to make matters worse, every time she is finished she adds, “low battery.” The machine doesn’t even run on batteries you dirrrty old hag. I will find you one day and end your answering machine-answering existence.

• Non-washers: In the last week, I have seen six different people walk out of the bathroom on the second floor of the University Community Centre without washing their hands. Now, I suppose it wouldn’t be so bad if they were, as many like to call it, performing No. 1. But the people I have seen were not expelling their Niagara Falls, they’re dropping the one tonne P-bomb. Wash your hands! As much as I like the equivalent of giving you an anal cavity search every time I touch the bathroom door, I’ll pass this time.

• Marching bands in the UCC: Why do people find the need to walk in posses, cartels, marching bands or whatever you’d like to call it in the UCC. I completely respect the fact that these people have friends — something that has alluded me thus far — but is it too much to ask for these groups to create a pint-sized opening for me to sprint through so they can continue their dominance of their UCC territory? I’m 6’2” and 150 pounds soaking wet. Just a little hole... please.

• Complainers: I can’t stand those annoying people who complain about their answering machines, people who don’t wash their hands and people who walk in groups in the UCC. So please, stop complaining... .



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