Random thoughts on the state of the world
Random thoughts on the state of the world...
• Answering machines: Who the hell is that pompous, arrogant
lady that is the voice of virtually every answering machine
on the face of the planet? Every time I get home from work
and press that flashing red button (which looks like the trigger
that will blow the Earth to smithereens), she proclaims, “you
have zeeeeeerrrrrooooo messages,” which is her smug way
of saying, “you are a big motha fuckin’ loser and
I will make your life a living hell until you die. Fuck off.” And
then to make matters worse, every time she is finished she
adds, “low battery.” The machine doesn’t
even run on batteries you dirrrty old hag. I will find you
one day and end your answering machine-answering existence.
• Non-washers: In the last week, I have seen six different
people walk out of the bathroom on the second floor of the
University Community Centre without washing their hands. Now,
I suppose it wouldn’t be so bad if they were, as many
like to call it, performing No. 1. But the people I have seen
were not expelling their Niagara Falls, they’re dropping
the one tonne P-bomb. Wash your hands! As much as I like the
equivalent of giving you an anal cavity search every time I
touch the bathroom door, I’ll pass this time.
• Marching bands in the UCC: Why do people find the need
to walk in posses, cartels, marching bands or whatever you’d
like to call it in the UCC. I completely respect the fact that
these people have friends — something that has alluded
me thus far — but is it too much to ask for these groups
to create a pint-sized opening for me to sprint through so
they can continue their dominance of their UCC territory? I’m
6’2” and 150 pounds soaking wet. Just a little
• Complainers: I can’t stand those annoying people
who complain about their answering machines, people who don’t
wash their hands and people who walk in groups in the UCC.
So please, stop complaining... .