February 10, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 72  

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Along came Pauly, C.O.P.S. and Brady

Don't read this column
Ben Mills

Gazette Staff

Gazette File Photo
THE RETURN OF THE SON IN LAW. The now legendary Pauly Shore comes out of hiding to field questions from the press regarding who knows what.

Whatever happened to Pauly Shore?

I bring this up because the cinematic masterpiece — and by “masterpiece,” I mean shit sandwich — known as Son in Law was recently on TBS Superstation. You know TBS: they changed the famous line from Bruce Willis’ Die Hard, from “Yippee cay-yay mother fucker” to “Yippee cay-yay Mr. Falcon.” Brilliant.

Back to “The Wea-sel.” What happened to him? I vaguely remember a cameo in that Limp Bizkit/Method Man video several years back, but since then, nothing. Maybe he and Andy Dick are railing lines on the ruins of the set of In The Army Now.

Pauly: Man this coke is good, where’d you get it, buuuh-ddy?
Andy: Jamie Walters had a hook-up through that chick on Models Inc.
Pauly: What’s Models Inc.?
Andy: I think it was a crappy show on Fox.
Pauly: Like The Ben Stiller Show?
Andy: Hey, at least I’ve been in a movie in the 21st century. Haven’t you seen Old School ?
Pauly: You gave head to a carrot.
Andy: Blimey.

Speaking of shows no longer on the air, what happened to C.O.P.S.? Not the white trash reality show that follows American police officers around as they arrest rednecks, I’m talking about the old Saturday morning cartoon. Recently my world crumbled around me as I was informed that the villain whose exposed brain is encased in a glass shell — I thought her name was Dr. Bad-Bibes — was actually called Dr. Bad-Vibes. I was in a “special” class when I was younger, and by “special,” I mean stupid.

Speaking of C.O.P.S., remember how “Big Boss” used to speak? Why don’t people talk like that anymore? Think of how much more interesting lectures would be if every professor spoke like a hard-boiled, 1920s, gangster:

“Listen here, see. The slope of a line is y = mx + b, ya hear. And if you don’t like it, then I’ll pump you fulla lead, copper!” (Note: The author of this column is not a math major, ergo, any complaint letters directed at the potential incorrectness of the above formula will be laughed at and thrown in the garbage.)

Speaking of interesting, how about that Super Bowl half-time show? Oh wait... it sucked.
And how about that Tom Brady? He’s won two Super Bowls (including two Super Bowl Most Valuable Player awards), was dating Tara Reid, just won a Cadillac Escalade and is only 25. Note to self: Steal Tom Brady’s identity.

And remember that show, My Secret Identity, with Jerry O’Connell (star of another cinematic shit sandwich, Tomcats)? Wouldn’t it be great if everyone could fly? I know I wish I could.

But then again, I wish I could write, too.



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