ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
Paris, Vanilla Ice and Scrabble
This week’s column is being written on a five-minute
delay, so anything too controversial will be censored.
• With all of the specialty cable channels around, I’m surprised
there isn’t a Farming Channel. I’m sure we city folk would love
seeing a channel devoted to a peaceful country farm with fields of daffodils
and *****willows, the sound of a **** crowing in the morning and a mama pig
feeding her little piglets, including even the **** of the litter... wait a
minute, that last one wasn’t inappropriate! That was an ‘r’ in
there, not a ‘c’! Damn you, five-minute delay!
• Forget about Celebrity Poker; I want to see Celebrity Scrabble. Nothing
spells entertainment like Paris Hilton and Vanilla Ice playing an entire game
without creating any word with more than four letters.
• I’ll bet John Ritter is up in heaven saying, “Warren Zevon
died and won a Grammy. Johnny Cash and June Carter died and won Grammies. Man,
I should’ve recorded an album!”
• When historians look back on society in the early 21st century, they
will judge the pinnacle of comedy to be William Hung’s audition on American
Idol. If you missed it, picture a short, nerdy, Asian engineering student singing
and making hand gestures along with “She Bangs,” by Ricky Martin.
Note to the University Students’ Council: limit the next Western Idol
competition to engineering students only.
• Let’s take a moment to remember NYPD Blue, as ABC announced plans
to end the show in 2005. I think I speak for us all when I raise my eyebrows
in surprise that NYPD Blue is still on the air.
• Did CNN learn nothing from the election fiasco in 2000? During the
Democratic primaries this past weekend, CNN was calling a John Kerry win in
Michigan with only 15 per cent of the voting completed. For all we know, there
were thousands of Al Sharpton supporters out there just waiting to vote...
well, perhaps not, but the point still stands.
• Rough month for Howard Dean. He goes from being the front-running Democratic
presidential nominee to losing the Iowa primary, giving a bizarre Ric Flair-ish
speech that made him a national joke (“We’re going to Texas, and
then we’re going to Ohio... eruaghauhgh!”) and then promptly lost
every other primary to date. Then, to top it all off, the guy that plays Dean
on Saturday Night Live (Jeff Richards), was fired from the show last week.
Ouch. At least Dean can probably cash in on his notoriety by writing a book,
whereas Richards’ only hope is to end up on MadTV. May God have mercy
on his soul.
And on a closing note, this Saturday is Valentine’s Day. If you’re
looking for viewing options, then you clearly need to get a life (says the
kettle to the pot). Turn the TV off for a night and spend a quiet evening with
that special someone in front of the computer playing video games. My personal
choice? Worms. You can sappily explain it to your girlfriend, “Tonight,
baby, it’s HeartWorms.”