February 12, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 74  

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Paris, Vanilla Ice and Scrabble

Mark Polishuk

Opinions Editor

This week’s column is being written on a five-minute delay, so anything too controversial will be censored.

• With all of the specialty cable channels around, I’m surprised there isn’t a Farming Channel. I’m sure we city folk would love seeing a channel devoted to a peaceful country farm with fields of daffodils and *****willows, the sound of a **** crowing in the morning and a mama pig feeding her little piglets, including even the **** of the litter... wait a minute, that last one wasn’t inappropriate! That was an ‘r’ in there, not a ‘c’! Damn you, five-minute delay!

• Forget about Celebrity Poker; I want to see Celebrity Scrabble. Nothing spells entertainment like Paris Hilton and Vanilla Ice playing an entire game without creating any word with more than four letters.

• I’ll bet John Ritter is up in heaven saying, “Warren Zevon died and won a Grammy. Johnny Cash and June Carter died and won Grammies. Man, I should’ve recorded an album!”

• When historians look back on society in the early 21st century, they will judge the pinnacle of comedy to be William Hung’s audition on American Idol. If you missed it, picture a short, nerdy, Asian engineering student singing and making hand gestures along with “She Bangs,” by Ricky Martin. Note to the University Students’ Council: limit the next Western Idol competition to engineering students only.

• Let’s take a moment to remember NYPD Blue, as ABC announced plans to end the show in 2005. I think I speak for us all when I raise my eyebrows in surprise that NYPD Blue is still on the air.

• Did CNN learn nothing from the election fiasco in 2000? During the Democratic primaries this past weekend, CNN was calling a John Kerry win in Michigan with only 15 per cent of the voting completed. For all we know, there were thousands of Al Sharpton supporters out there just waiting to vote... well, perhaps not, but the point still stands.

• Rough month for Howard Dean. He goes from being the front-running Democratic presidential nominee to losing the Iowa primary, giving a bizarre Ric Flair-ish speech that made him a national joke (“We’re going to Texas, and then we’re going to Ohio... eruaghauhgh!”) and then promptly lost every other primary to date. Then, to top it all off, the guy that plays Dean on Saturday Night Live (Jeff Richards), was fired from the show last week. Ouch. At least Dean can probably cash in on his notoriety by writing a book, whereas Richards’ only hope is to end up on MadTV. May God have mercy on his soul.

And on a closing note, this Saturday is Valentine’s Day. If you’re looking for viewing options, then you clearly need to get a life (says the kettle to the pot). Turn the TV off for a night and spend a quiet evening with that special someone in front of the computer playing video games. My personal choice? Worms. You can sappily explain it to your girlfriend, “Tonight, baby, it’s HeartWorms.”



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