February 13, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 75  

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An open letter to boys from the girls

By Lori Mastronardi
Gazette Staff
Dallas Curow/Gazette
WHAT DOES SHE HAVE IN MIND? Sleeping masks are not only for super heroes with X-ray vision, but for mischievous university students too.

Dear Boys,

We are currently out of service.

For the next five to seven days our regular routine will be interrupted by this monthly inconvenience.
The fact of the matter is, we feel like crap. Our stomachs hurt with a cramp that is more painful than being tackled in a game of football. And our desire for sex has been replaced by a relentless craving of everything salty and sweet — all at the same time.

It’s true, the doctor assures that exercise will help this pain to subside; unfortunately, we are not in the mood for a workout of the sexual variety.

You’re also correct in your assumption that these uncontrollable, fluctuating hormones may cause us to feel an increased desire for sex during this time. However, unlike yourselves, simply because we want sex doesn’t necessarily mean we are in any position to receive it.
And most importantly, do not assume that this week can be labelled “blow job week.” We are not receiving any pleasure, strictly pain, so you can expect nothing more than that. Our time of the month has become your time of the month.

We are not feeling as energetic as usual and would rather not subject you to our unpleasant feelings of discomfort. Instead, we prefer to indulge in the satisfying taste of chocolate and the comfort of a couch watching episodes of Sex and the City. Don’t quite understand the appeal of such a scenario? It equates to your desire to split a pitcher of beer, watch the Stanley Cup finals and receive a gratifying blow job.

Everything may have seemed wonderful just yesterday, and we promise, things will be wonderful again. Just let us shield our crampy, moody self from you for just a little while longer, and we’ll be yours, open for service for the next three weeks — well, almost. Rather, how about when we’re in the mood, we’ll give you a call.




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