February 19, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 78  

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Yankees must die, burn, die

Western’s men’s squash team squashed the competition at the Ontario University Singles Championship, racking up their 21st consecutive win. C’mon guys, you can do better than that. How about finding a cure for cancer?

Ontario universities might finally be forced to open their Pandora’s box of secrets if a new Freedom of Information Act is passed by the provincial government. Then we’ll finally know how much Western President Paul Davenport’s gold car actually costs.

Reading Week is almost here for thousands of undergraduate students at Western, but is also almost over for students at most other universities. Ah, the sweet creamy goodness of schadenfreude.

London City Hall is set to ban practical jokes after a city manager developed heart palpitations when he was jokingly told some big project was due much earlier than originally thought. The office life of a bureaucrat just got sexier — for stupid people.

Critics are slamming Queen’s University for promoting affirmative action by having an alternate admissions stream for Aboriginal students. Following in the university’s steps, effective immediately The Gazette will only accept volunteers that are either dwarves, pixies or drug dealers.

The New York Yankees just picked up Alex Rodriguez (damn you A-Rod) for a gajillion dollars. We hope they die... burn in hell... and then die again.

The University Students’ Council, in an attempt to lengthen the election “party” held at The Wave, staggerd the release of voting results over the course of more than two hours. That’s nice. The results are in at 8 p.m., but you make the candidates sweat for no reason other than to sell a few more drinks at one of your financially strapped bars.

Paul Martin’s federal Liberals are embroiled in a sponsorship scandal that saw $100 million of taxpayers’ money go to Grit-friendly advertising agencies in Quebec. Martin has already got his hands dirty. Perhaps voters will clean things up.

Conservative Fox News host Bill O’Reilly distanced himself from U.S. President George W. Bush, saying he misled the country with his Iraq “intelligence.” It seems that Dubya has alienated even his core supporters with his clandestine approach to governing. Time to prepare for regime change in November’s presidential elections?



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