ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
Little boys to rule 2004
By Lori Mastronardi,
Megan O’Toole and Brian Wong
Meshbacks, pointy shoes, faux-hawks, faux-lesbians, hotels in paradise and
homemade porn — all were sexy in 2003. But hey, it’s a new year,
and that means we have to find new things to put our sex drive into overdrive.
Here’s the forecast for what’s sexy in ’04:
Little boys: Men have been drooling over jailbait princesses Hilary Duff and
the Olsen twins for the past year. Now, with the recent popularity of man-boys
Tobey Maguire, Ashton Kutcher and Elijah Wood, it’s time for the entertainment
biz to sexualize underage young males. Welcome, Aaron Carter, Haley Joel Osment,
Lil’ Romeo and Bow Wow (who’s not so lil’ anymore) — someone
out there is already preparing countdown clocks for your eighteenth birthdays
(besides Michael Jackson).
Faux-gay men: On an episode of The Simple Life, Nicole Ritchie proclaimed
her love of guys making out, prompting the two straight dudes in the room to
give each other awkward glances. Lucky for them, straight men won’t be
so afraid of each other any longer as they learn that in the same way these
men love seeing two women engage in sensuous play with each other (see: T.A.T.U.
and Madge and Britney), straight women can get turned on by two men gettin’ it
on. We all know there was more to The Lord of the Rings success than the beauty
of Orlando and Viggo — the not-so-secretive love affair between Sam and
Frodo surely boosted ticket sales. The 2003 term ‘metrosexual’ is
going to have to stretch a bit to include not only expertise in the realm of
fashion and culture, but also this new trend of boy meets boy. Or, how about
we just coin a new word altogether: let’s hear it for the “faux-mos!”
Nerdy girls: Remember the days when Lisa Loeb’s sugar-sweet persona
and eccentric glasses were enough to woo boys and girls alike? Well, not only
is Loeb featured in a brand new ad for JVC electronics, but the trend of nerdy
girls seems destined to make a comeback in the new year — hello Tina
Fey, goodbye Britney. (This is certainly good news for The Gazette’s
female editors.) People are sick of seeing skanks and hoes dominate the mainstream...
it’s time for the revenge of the nerd girls.
Giving flowers to guys: Men have been burdened with the job of buying flowers
for ages — and still they rarely do it. So this year, the tables are
turning and relationships will get a bit more adventurous when women head to
the florist to get their guy a beautiful bouquet for them to display near the
TV. Just a few tips: red roses are a good choice, but plastic flowers are a
sure bet for the guy who wants the love to last (and doesn’t want to
tend to it on a daily basis).
Older women: Richard Gere, Harrison Ford, Russell Crowe and their ilk have
been idolized for generations, becoming hotter and hotter with each passing
year. At the same time, “mature” women have been getting the short
end of the stick as instead of admiring their aged hotness, society has instead
chosen to market a line of anti-aging products to the over-40 female crowd.
Well, with Ashton Kutcher and Justin Timberlake bringing cougar-worship back
in style, look out for a comeback of older women in 2004. Sharon Stone and
Diane Lane, anyone?
Skirts for boys: Some say it will never happen, but we are convinced that
this trend has market power. Jonathan Davis of Korn has been working the kilt
since the mid-’90s, and even with his somewhat pedophilic-pornstar-esque
good looks, he makes the whole skirt thing sexy. Then, of course, there is
soccer hero David Beckham, whose skirted legs could even put Posh Spice to
shame. Come on guys, don’t be shy — skirts aren’t just for
Puttin’ it on: We were shocked — just shocked! — at the
clothing deficiency of Xtina and Britney, fantasized over Justin’s shirtless
spread in Rolling Stone and loved Paris Hilton’s skimpy outfits on the
farm. But in 2004, mystery is back in vogue, and instead of takin’ it
all off, we’re puttin’ it all on. It’s an end to our denial
of our love of clothing, where a brightly coloured T-shirt is alluring to the
eye, a nice hat crowns you king or queen and comfortably fitting, zip-up pants
(goodbye short shorts and tight hot pants) makes someone else wonder what it
would be like to zip them down. Besides, maybe we’ll be able to categorize
the talented from the not-so-special, when we’re not distracted by cleavage
and the like. I mean, we all saw Michelle Branch stripping it down to sell
more records on the cover of Maxim. Yes, 2004 is definitely the year to put
it back on.