McGuinty’s a robot!!!
By Marshall Bellamy
Today is a rare day because The Gazette has launched a new
weekly feature: Conspiracy Theory. It’s a volatile mix
of schizophrenic paranoia, current events, off-the-wall conjecture
and a mad thirst to tap the newspaper’s nerdy readership.
The inaugural Conspiracy Theory comes in light of a regal visit
by Ontario’s robotic premier, Dalton McGuinty, or as
we call him, DAL.
The evidence has been piling up since October’s provincial
election: at first, McGuinty’s snow white complexion
seemed cute to many female voters. However, it has become clear
his white skin is not the result of spending countless days
hunched over budget figures. He bears too much of a resemblance
to Star Trek’s Data, a mechanical man who desires nothing
more than human emotion.
And speaking of emotions, DAL has none. He has his serious
face and then his serious face. The political android did not
even have the audacity to show a hint of irritation, frustration,
pity, happiness or anger over being called a kitten eater.
Any mortal man would be horrified with the thought of devouring
a cute and cuddly kitten — unless you had the circuit-filled
soul of a machine that only nibbled kittens when no one was
Even the words he uses in his speeches are not the rhetoric
spoken by your run-of-the-mill politicians and statesmen. By
using tough sounding terms like “fiscal responsibility” and “voter
trust,” DAL sounds as though he’s speaking excerpts
from silly jokes about humans one supercomputer might tell
Western beware: If robots have the nerve and audacity to take
up politics, they could have already infiltrated real jobs.
In fact, they could be your mailman, plumber, dealer, accountant,
professor or even a student journalist... .