January 14, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 57  

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McGuinty’s a robot!!!

By Marshall Bellamy
Gazette Staff

Today is a rare day because The Gazette has launched a new weekly feature: Conspiracy Theory. It’s a volatile mix of schizophrenic paranoia, current events, off-the-wall conjecture and a mad thirst to tap the newspaper’s nerdy readership. The inaugural Conspiracy Theory comes in light of a regal visit by Ontario’s robotic premier, Dalton McGuinty, or as we call him, DAL.

The evidence has been piling up since October’s provincial election: at first, McGuinty’s snow white complexion seemed cute to many female voters. However, it has become clear his white skin is not the result of spending countless days hunched over budget figures. He bears too much of a resemblance to Star Trek’s Data, a mechanical man who desires nothing more than human emotion.

And speaking of emotions, DAL has none. He has his serious face and then his serious face. The political android did not even have the audacity to show a hint of irritation, frustration, pity, happiness or anger over being called a kitten eater. Any mortal man would be horrified with the thought of devouring a cute and cuddly kitten — unless you had the circuit-filled soul of a machine that only nibbled kittens when no one was looking.

Even the words he uses in his speeches are not the rhetoric spoken by your run-of-the-mill politicians and statesmen. By using tough sounding terms like “fiscal responsibility” and “voter trust,” DAL sounds as though he’s speaking excerpts from silly jokes about humans one supercomputer might tell another.

Western beware: If robots have the nerve and audacity to take up politics, they could have already infiltrated real jobs. In fact, they could be your mailman, plumber, dealer, accountant, professor or even a student journalist... .



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