January 15, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 58  

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SPORTS

Sports roundtable: Winter activities

By Gazette Staff
Gazette Staff

It’s good to be back.
We’ve decided to focus our long-awaited 2004 inaugural roundtable on something near and dear to all of our hearts. The question: what can you do at Western to stay fit once snow rules out many outside activities? Attendees were Ian Denomme and Dave Lee from Sports, Marshall Bellamy from News and the irrepressible Mark Polishuk, our Opinions editor.

DAVE: So, what kind of things do you guys do in the winter to stay warm?
MARK: Does intercourse with snowmen count?
IAN: No!
MARK: They melt, you know. There’s no evidence.
DAVE: OK...
MARK: (Mark reads the transcript, so far.) What did you write while I was in the can? Attribute it to yourself, dammit!
IAN: There’s a giant snowman on the corner of Richmond and Cheapside Sts.. It’s over 10 feet high. The house numbers are on the front of it.
DAVE: Don’t go getting any ideas, Polishuk.
MARK: Why am I always assumed to be the snowman-servicing deviant of the group?
MARSHALL: Because we’ve seen the website!
MARK: Anyways... I like to trudge in the snow.
DAVE: You would like that, wouldn’t you? Freakin’ communist. Can we even put that in here?
IAN: Who cares if we piss communists off. They’re not real people.
MARSHALL: Besides, we all know they hate money and snow.
MARK: Why would they hate snow? Snow’s very democratic — it falls everywhere. Except Phoenix.
MARSHALL: They hate snow because everyone piles it up into snow “banks.”
IAN: Seriously, I like to play hockey out in the cold. I brave the weather. Unlike the Reds.
DAVE: I always liked snow football. You don’t feel the bruises until later.
IAN: Same with British Bulldog. You don’t feel the pain.
MARK: There’s also the King of the Hill option. You have to go to a cul-de-sac and find a hill of snow.
MARSHALL: Actually, that’s another sport that communists probably don’t like either.
IAN: They’re always the first to fall. Skinny bastards.
DAVE: And what if you don’t have a cul-de-sac? What then, huh?
MARSHALL: Then you take up curling.
MARK: Curling’s not a sport. It takes no athletic talent at all. Think of Randy Ferbey.
MARSHALL: It’s the perfect sport. Drinking, smoking, overeating... are these not the things that remind us of curling?
MARK: I can just see Ferbey at the Olympics now. Canadian flag in one hand, giant sandwich in the other.
IAN: In elementary school, we couldn’t have snow forts, you know. Only snow castles or snow houses.
DAVE: Why the semantics?
MARK: Because forts are violent?
DAVE: I used to yell “remember the Alamo!” when a snowball fight started.
MARK: Yes, because of all that snow they had in SOUTHERN TEXAS!
DAVE: Yeah, it never really caught on. I got beat up a lot.
MARSHALL: What about sleeping in the snow? Or, as my mom puts it, passing out in the snow.
IAN: That’s no sport, we’re talking about sports here. And geopolitics.
DAVE: Your mom passes out in the snow?
IAN: Is your mom going to read this? Does she read the paper?
MARSHALL: (sadly) Yes.
MARK: She can’t read it if she’s unconscious.
DAVE: What?
MARSHALL: What about figure skating? I hear Mark’s really into that.
MARK: That’s my mother.
DAVE: I thought Jordan wanted to be in on this one.
(Jordan Bell, The Gazette’s Managing Editor shakes his head dismissively. Must be a communist.)
MARK: This is a proud day for sports. Such nonsensical rambling.

 

 

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