ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
Round Bed: Teasing & Tasting
What’s Your Flavour?
Do you have mature taste buds? Are you tired of the bland taste of latex?
Would you like to add a little flavour to your routine?
Just because winter is miserable, inactive and cold, doesn’t mean you
have to be. If you throw the kick of flavoured condoms into your seemingly
tired routine, you’re guaranteed to warm things up a bit.
People purchase things like flavoured floss, toothpaste and mouthwash, so
why not advance to other things that may eventually end up in your mouth? Third-year
Western students Nicole D’Cruz, Yvonne Lam and Jesse Steiche, along with
A&E editor Lori Mastronardi decided to add some fire and flavour to their
weekend by dedicating an evening to some hard, journalistic research. Armed
with seven flavoured condoms, these four students were determined to satisfy
their taste buds.
Nicole, Yvonne, Lori and Jesse each take a corner of the bed, circling around
them the seven experimental subjects. Lori begins by carefully opening the
first condom when Nicole suggests she use her teeth. This does not, ahem, happen.
Lori — Oh! It’s blue!
Nicole — Open it a bit, or just touch it and lick it.
Jesse — I think you should taste the tip.
Yvonne — It’s really sweet.
Lori — This definitely tastes more like dessert; the flavour
is sweet like candy.
Nicole — I think it tastes like cake.
Jesse — Yeah, like one of those cheap box ones you buy.
Nicole — One of those mixes.
Yvonne — It tastes like angel food cake.
Nicole — But you won’t get fat from eating this!
Lori — Ohhhh it does taste like chocolate.
Nicole — The flavour is pretty good though.
Yvonne — I don’t taste anything.
Nicole — It tastes like the syrup for chocolate milk.
Jesse — Bosco! You know… like George Costanza’s
Lori — If you were eating chocolate and strawberries, this
would be a good addition.
Nicole — But, I don’t like cheap chocolate.
Lori — It’s a bright yellow banana! But I don’t
think bananas taste like this in real life… this tastes
pretty good and it’s really sweet.
Yvonne — Ewww! (Yvonne has a phobia of banana-flavoured things.)
Nicole — It’s almost too much flavour. I mean, what
if the guy goes for a long time? (Bobs her head in a distinct motion)
I think it needs bands of flavour.
Yvonne — Like Astro-pops!
Nicole — Or Gobstoppers, and each one could be a different
The banana-flavoured condom is flung across the bed.
Yvonne — Eww, banana on my leg!
Nicole — What if you had this whole thing in your mouth?
Lori — Would it taste differently if it were on something?
What could we put it on?
Nicole — I have a cucumber downstairs.
Everyone pauses, contemplative glances are exchanged.
Nicole — Do you think it would taste differently if it were
being worn and warmed up a bit?
Lori — It tastes like candy — but you can get too much
Jesse — But you can’t get too much big banana!
Lori takes a taste and makes a face.
Jesse — Jolt?
Lori — This tastes like those Coke-bottle jujubes… or
a Coke slushy.
Yvonne — Looks at the collection of condoms. They’re
all getting stuck together.
Lori — The flavour isn’t very strong at the base.
Nicole — What about when you make a deep throat motion? You
don’t have taste buds at the back of your throat. You’d
need something at the base. If you’re going to pay all that
money, you want all the flavour.
Yvonne, bored with the cola, picks up the chocolate condom again.
Yvonne — I don’t like chocolate.
Jesse — Bring that back, it smells like something.
Yvonne — Nuts!
Jesse — There should be a warning for people with nut allergies.
Lori — This is a nice colour. But do you really want to see
a purple penis coming at you?
Nicole — Better than a yellow one!
Yvonne — Isn’t it called a one-eyed purple-yogurt slinger?
Lori — Oh, grape is good because it’s fruity and sweet.
Jesse — But it has a powdery aftertaste.
Nicole — They all do.
Yvonne — This tastes like bubble tape!
Nicole — I think the mint one should be last, you know, to
freshen our breath at the end?
Jesse — Or, to cleanse the palette.
Lori — It’s pretty good, though a little too sweet
compared to the grape.
Jesse — Where’s my water?
Yvonne — It smells like strawberries on the vine; it has
a leafy smell to it… it smells like [the] outside!
Lori — It tastes like strawberry marshmallow candies.
Lori — Oh I don’t like mint-flavour for that.
Jesse — It’s not very strong.
Yvonne — Not a fan.
Jesse — Only on St. Patrick’s Day.
Lori — It’d be good in the morning though, to combat
Nicole — At least you know he’d kiss you after.
After careful deliberation, it was decided that while grape was
definitely good, mint definitely wasn’t “mint.” If
you’d like to stock your night stand with some flavourful
treats, hit up Sin City Adult Superstore at any of their three
London locations: 1-100 Wharncliffe Rd. S., 330 Wellington Rd.
S. or 1560 Dundas St. E. You can snag five flavours for $5, taxes
included. Happy tasting!