January 20, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 60  

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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Round Bed: Teasing & Tasting
What’s Your Flavour?

Do you have mature taste buds? Are you tired of the bland taste of latex? Would you like to add a little flavour to your routine?

Just because winter is miserable, inactive and cold, doesn’t mean you have to be. If you throw the kick of flavoured condoms into your seemingly tired routine, you’re guaranteed to warm things up a bit.

People purchase things like flavoured floss, toothpaste and mouthwash, so why not advance to other things that may eventually end up in your mouth? Third-year Western students Nicole D’Cruz, Yvonne Lam and Jesse Steiche, along with A&E editor Lori Mastronardi decided to add some fire and flavour to their weekend by dedicating an evening to some hard, journalistic research. Armed with seven flavoured condoms, these four students were determined to satisfy their taste buds.

Nicole, Yvonne, Lori and Jesse each take a corner of the bed, circling around them the seven experimental subjects. Lori begins by carefully opening the first condom when Nicole suggests she use her teeth. This does not, ahem, happen.

VANILLA
Lori — Oh! It’s blue!
Nicole — Open it a bit, or just touch it and lick it.
Jesse — I think you should taste the tip.
Yvonne — It’s really sweet.
Lori — This definitely tastes more like dessert; the flavour is sweet like candy.
Nicole — I think it tastes like cake.
Jesse — Yeah, like one of those cheap box ones you buy.
Nicole — One of those mixes.
Yvonne — It tastes like angel food cake.
Nicole — But you won’t get fat from eating this!

CHOCOLATE
Lori — Ohhhh it does taste like chocolate.
Nicole — The flavour is pretty good though.
Yvonne — I don’t taste anything.
Nicole — It tastes like the syrup for chocolate milk.
Jesse — Bosco! You know… like George Costanza’s PIN number.
Lori — If you were eating chocolate and strawberries, this would be a good addition.
Nicole — But, I don’t like cheap chocolate.

BANANA
Lori — It’s a bright yellow banana! But I don’t think bananas taste like this in real life… this tastes pretty good and it’s really sweet.
Yvonne — Ewww! (Yvonne has a phobia of banana-flavoured things.)
Nicole — It’s almost too much flavour. I mean, what if the guy goes for a long time? (Bobs her head in a distinct motion) I think it needs bands of flavour.
Yvonne — Like Astro-pops!
Nicole — Or Gobstoppers, and each one could be a different flavour.
The banana-flavoured condom is flung across the bed.
Yvonne — Eww, banana on my leg!
Nicole — What if you had this whole thing in your mouth?
Lori — Would it taste differently if it were on something? What could we put it on?
Nicole — I have a cucumber downstairs.
Everyone pauses, contemplative glances are exchanged.
Nicole — Do you think it would taste differently if it were being worn and warmed up a bit?
Everyone agrees.
Lori — It tastes like candy — but you can get too much candy sometimes.
Jesse — But you can’t get too much big banana!

COLA
Lori takes a taste and makes a face.
Jesse — Jolt?
Lori — This tastes like those Coke-bottle jujubes… or a Coke slushy.
Yvonne — Looks at the collection of condoms. They’re all getting stuck together.
Lori — The flavour isn’t very strong at the base.
Nicole — What about when you make a deep throat motion? You don’t have taste buds at the back of your throat. You’d need something at the base. If you’re going to pay all that money, you want all the flavour.
Yvonne, bored with the cola, picks up the chocolate condom again.
Yvonne — I don’t like chocolate.
Jesse — Bring that back, it smells like something.
Yvonne — Nuts!
Jesse — There should be a warning for people with nut allergies.

GRAPE
Lori — This is a nice colour. But do you really want to see a purple penis coming at you?
Nicole — Better than a yellow one!
Yvonne — Isn’t it called a one-eyed purple-yogurt slinger?
Lori — Oh, grape is good because it’s fruity and sweet.
Jesse — But it has a powdery aftertaste.
Nicole — They all do.
Yvonne — This tastes like bubble tape!
Nicole — I think the mint one should be last, you know, to freshen our breath at the end?
Laughter.
Jesse — Or, to cleanse the palette.

STRAWBERRY
Lori — It’s pretty good, though a little too sweet compared to the grape.
Jesse — Where’s my water?
Yvonne — It smells like strawberries on the vine; it has a leafy smell to it… it smells like [the] outside!
Lori — It tastes like strawberry marshmallow candies.

MINT
Lori — Oh I don’t like mint-flavour for that.
Jesse — It’s not very strong.
Yvonne — Not a fan.
Jesse — Only on St. Patrick’s Day.
Lori — It’d be good in the morning though, to combat your breath.
Nicole — At least you know he’d kiss you after.

Overall Ratings
After careful deliberation, it was decided that while grape was definitely good, mint definitely wasn’t “mint.” If you’d like to stock your night stand with some flavourful treats, hit up Sin City Adult Superstore at any of their three London locations: 1-100 Wharncliffe Rd. S., 330 Wellington Rd. S. or 1560 Dundas St. E. You can snag five flavours for $5, taxes included. Happy tasting!

 

 

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