January 21, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 61  

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If we had $20 million to spend

Ah, to be a 28-year-old college student from Belleville.

You’ve probably heard by now about Colin McDonald, a business sales student at Belleville’s Loyalist College, who snagged last week’s $20 million Super 7 jackpot. He plans to drop out of school, spend his money and live his dreams. Sounds like a pretty good deal, doesn’t it?

All the hubbub got us thinking — what would we do with our own $20 million jackpot? Why, we’d improve campus of course... but how?

Buy pants for those who insist on wearing skirts in winter — This will also help shrink University Hospital’s budget for dual leg amputations. Leg warmers are also considered a more economical option.

Become the mysterious corporate sponsor behind the new MIT building — The building will be named The George W. Bush Centre for Corporate Sponsorship, just to piss off MIT students.

Build the Karl Marx School of Business next to Ivey — The school will teach the workers of the world to unite, lose their chains and so on. At least, that’s what you’d be led to think. In reality, it’d be conducting KGB-style espionage against those capitalist HBA lapdogs. Dos vidanya!

Improve TV Western’s broadcast range beyond 50 feet — Broadcasting events taking place in the University Community Centre atrium into the atrium seems a little redundant: “And if you look to your left, you’ll see the live version of events!”

Pay for the USC’s alcohol insurance — $1 million could go towards the actual policy and the remaining $19 million could go towards booze.

Build a Star Trek style transporter — We’re not all nerds here at The Gazette. Really. Honestly. Who suggested this one, anyway? Didn’t you see The Fly?

Pay the Queer Eye guys to redo Concrete Beach — Priority No. 1 has to be getting rid of that damn purple awning.

Pay for Bible re-writes — It’s not like the Ten Commandments were written in stone or anything.

Buy feminists a sense of humour — While you’re at it, erase all the feminist graffiti in the tunnel between Weldon Library and Huron University College.

Move the entire campus to Florida — Besides the obvious warmth benefit, the state’s “less is more” attitude towards clothing really speaks to us.



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