January 23, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 63  

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NEWS

tHiS cizz-olumn rulez, lol!!! :)

Ad Nauseam
Anton Vidgen

News Editor

People express themselves in really weird ways, especially when they consider the mangling of the English language to be something, er, hip.

Consider this: “Yo ma nizzles and bizzles, dis fo cracka be wack, fo shizzo.” Translation: “Good day my African-American friends and brothers, this stupid white boy is lame, for sure.” I’m sure Snoop Dogg would agree.

I also hate the MSN crowd using terms like “lol” in regular conversation to describe genuine amusement or when they start TyPinG lIKe tHiS to seem alternative and shit. Don’t even get me started with the l33t crowd — their souls have long departed from this world.

The Internet age has so influenced hordes of youth that a student in Britain actually submitted an essay full of abbreviations (think msg, brb or ttyl) and received an appropriate F. Even pop culture has succumbed to the electronic forces of contraction; think Rza, Gza or X-Tina (stpd btch).

And then there are the grammar-tards as I like to call them; the ones who are incapable of distinguishing between its, it’s and its’. Even more unfortunate are those who think the third one is an actual grammatical possibility.

Along the same lines, we have the ever popular they’re, there and their. These are actually not interchangeable, unlike those who believe the opposite — “their” a dime a dozen. The degeneration (some call it progress) of the English language can also be nicely summarized by the life of one word: Yes-Yeah-Yup-Ya-Uh huh-*grunt*.

Copious use of the word ‘the’ can also be unsettling. “I am going to take THE piss,” is inaccurate, retarded and sounds like an eastern European immigrant trying to excuse himself from an English class.

Modern teen conversations, even if grammatically correct, are equally indicative of a sad sperm population. I overheard people on the bus the other day talking about how bus seats are inaccurately curved to be properly comfortable. Perhaps fewer McNuggets would solve their distressing ass problem, but that’s another head-shaking topic altogether.

 

 

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