January 28, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 65  

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NEWS

Snow — oh the possibilities

We’ve all gotten sick of the Trudge: that slow, soul-less walk across campus through the snow and sludge. Yet, we’ve forgotten that unlike those poor suckers in Hawaii, San Diego or the Dominican Republic, we have the benefit of living in a winter wonderland. Here are some ways to take advantage of the snow.

• Get it drunk and then take it home for the night.
• Speak entirely in snow-related puns, a la Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin (i.e. “Chill out” or “Time to cool off”). Bonus points if you use your best impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
• Donate bottles of shampoo to your local church so they can help God cure his dandruff (uh... the snow... get it?).
• Western takes advantage of us by initiating the “solstice fee,” charging students a penny for every snowflake that hits them.
• Search for the legendary Yeti. Try looking in the grove of trees behind Middlesex College, the plains behind TD Waterhouse Stadium or standing in line at the Stevenson-Lawson Building while waiting for your transcript.
• Instead of building a simple snow penis, medical students can build an entire snow reproduction system (or a re“snow”duction system).
• Re-create John Milton’s Paradise Lost with snowmen, snow angels and snow devils. If you don’t know how to create a snow devil, simply build a snowman and put a Martin Brodeur jersey on it. Just don’t build a snow devil too close to a major entrance on campus, or else anybody wearing a Maple Leafs jersey will be unable to get through.
• Stand outside in a blizzard and see how long it takes to become completely buried in the show. If you’re not entirely buried, feel free to burst out and scare the hell out of someone. If you are entirely buried, you’re well on your way to becoming the next Frostcillicus.
• Start digging until you find the Hot Dog Lady. The good news is that the average human can survive for many days on mustard and onions.
• Sit by your granddaughter’s bedside and tell her snow is not created by weather conditions, but instead by Edward Scissorhands. If you’re not old or promiscuous enough to have a granddaughter already, feel free to randomly accost a young girl (also known as ‘pulling a Polanski’).
• Instead of typing essays, piss them in the snow. Analyze that, turnitin.com!
• Steal cafeteria trays and toboggan down University College Hill. Try to stop before you hit Talbot College, since it’d be a shame to rocket through a window and interrupt someone’s vocal performance.
• Western sports teams can build snowmen so it looks like someone on campus actually gives a crap and went to their game.

 

 

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