Snow — oh the possibilities
We’ve all gotten sick of the Trudge:
that slow, soul-less walk across campus through the snow and
sludge. Yet, we’ve forgotten that unlike those poor suckers
in Hawaii, San Diego or the Dominican Republic, we have the
benefit of living in a winter wonderland. Here are some ways
to take advantage of the snow.
• Get it drunk and then take it home for the night.
• Speak entirely in snow-related puns, a la Mr. Freeze in
Batman & Robin (i.e. “Chill out” or “Time
to cool off”). Bonus points if you use your best impression
of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
• Donate bottles of shampoo to your local church so they
can help God cure his dandruff (uh... the snow... get it?).
• Western takes advantage of us by initiating the “solstice
fee,” charging students a penny for every snowflake that
• Search for the legendary Yeti. Try looking in the grove
of trees behind Middlesex College, the plains behind TD Waterhouse
Stadium or standing in line at the Stevenson-Lawson Building
while waiting for your transcript.
• Instead of building a simple snow penis, medical students
can build an entire snow reproduction system (or a re“snow”duction
• Re-create John Milton’s Paradise Lost with snowmen,
snow angels and snow devils. If you don’t know how to create
a snow devil, simply build a snowman and put a Martin Brodeur
jersey on it. Just don’t build a snow devil too close to
a major entrance on campus, or else anybody wearing a Maple Leafs
jersey will be unable to get through.
• Stand outside in a blizzard and see how long it takes
to become completely buried in the show. If you’re not
entirely buried, feel free to burst out and scare the hell out
of someone. If you are entirely buried, you’re well on
your way to becoming the next Frostcillicus.
• Start digging until you find the Hot Dog Lady. The good
news is that the average human can survive for many days on mustard
• Sit by your granddaughter’s bedside and tell her
snow is not created by weather conditions, but instead by Edward
Scissorhands. If you’re not old or promiscuous enough to
have a granddaughter already, feel free to randomly accost a
young girl (also known as ‘pulling a Polanski’).
• Instead of typing essays, piss them in the snow. Analyze
• Steal cafeteria trays and toboggan down University College
Hill. Try to stop before you hit Talbot College, since it’d
be a shame to rocket through a window and interrupt someone’s
• Western sports teams can build snowmen so it looks like
someone on campus actually gives a crap and went to their game.