January 29, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 66  

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Oscar makes us grouch

It’s that time of year again — the “Academy” has convened to judge and select this year’s lucky group of Oscar nominees. The verdicts have been released, garnered ample media coverage and sparked discussion among typical movie-goers. While some people are thrilled The Lord of the Rings received another million nominations, others are indifferent to award shows in general, while many simply don’t understand why we should place any sense of importance on the Oscars. Well, The Gazette surprisingly falls into the latter group and below are the reasons as to why such award shows are dreadfully unappealing.

The Oscars merely provide a chance for celebrities to publicly give themselves blow jobs, leaving viewers with no choice but to fill the disturbing role of the voyeur.

Politics plays a primary role in the selection process, thereby ensuring that certain, deserving actors never receive recognition for their work, while other nominees simply win to fill a quota. Besides, it isn’t even possible to properly compare people in the various realms of the industry.

The hosts are boring. They miserably fail in their attempt to appear both comedic and classy, thereby forcing Oscar attendees to politely applaud and laugh, while viewers at home are left unsatisfied.

Celebrities assume that they can take their moment and run with it. The key word here is moment; therefore, it is unnecessary to thank everyone from your agent to God. Just take your award and get off the stage — don’t make them play that awful music to shut you up.

A slew of films are released just in time for Oscars in an effort to ensure both nominations and audience attention. Also, film companies further capitalize on the Oscars by re-releasing films.

The Academy Awards have become a game of whoever has the most money wins the Oscar. On a similar note, celebrities can flaunt their expensive designer wardrobes as they saunter across the red carpet, as they all vie for the crown of “best-dressed celebrity.”

How long can Joan Rivers host the preview show? She’s like Clayface from Batman — hopefully she’ll begin melting this year.

Cameramen choose to film nominee reactions immediately after they’ve “lost the award.” Nominees then pretend to be happy for the winner, when deep down inside they just want to kick and scream and tell the Academy where to go — now that would get more people watching.

Cuba Gooding Jr. was so genuinely shocked at his win — with good reason — that he began breakdancing. Adrien Brody took his moment on stage to make out with Halle Berry. We advocate that more celebrities partake in such random acts in order to provide us with real reasons to watch.



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