Excitement? You can bet
By Aron Yeomanson
Gazette File Photo
BETTING ON THE GAME, RED? Inmate friends Red and Andy discuss
the Super Bowl’s point spread in “the yard” last
week. Due to Andy’s heavy debts, Red was later forced
to stab him with a shiv.
Not everyone can have their favorite team make the Super Bowl.
Whether you’re a hopeless Detroit Lions fan or a faithful
cheese-head who can’t stop uttering the phrase “fourth
and 26,” come Sunday you’ll no doubt be looking for
ways to spice up the big show.
Once you get past the beers, snacks, cheerleaders and exceptionally
high level of football, what better way to make your Super Bowl
experience a great one than a little bit of gambling? Here’s
a step-by-step guide to guarantee this year’s betting pool
will keep you on the edge of your seat.
Step 1: Find some friends to bet against. Presumably, you already
know who you’re going to be watching the game with, but it’s
worth noting that betting against yourself sucks. Just ask Pete
Make sure these are close friends, so you that you won’t
feel too badly about rubbing it in when you beat their sorry asses.
Also, you might want to make sure these friends know as little
about football as possible in order to ensure you actually beat
their sorry asses.
Step 2: Find a suitable venue to host the festivities. Take into
consideration both your pool’s organization as well as your
viewing pleasure by finding a place that will accommodate all your
friends in one room while making sure everyone can see the TV.
You will want ample room to post a scoreboard, so as to know at
all times how far you’re away from achieving your ultimate
goal — victory.
Step 3: Set some ground rules. For example, set the deadline for
your gambling-addicted, sucker friends to submit their predictions
at a half-hour prior to kick-off. Also, establish the amount of
money each participant must put forth at $10 or $20 and make it
mandatory the full amount be paid before kick-off. Don’t
accept anyone saying those infamous words, “I’m good
for it.” You know as well as I do that your friends aren’t
good for anything.
Step 4: Decide exactly what you want to bet on. Some time-tested
categories include the coin toss, first team to earn a new set
of downs, first team to punt, first turnover, first score, first
field goal and first touchdown. Assign a value of three points
to each of these categories and repeat in the second half.
Hardcore fans will also want to bet on statistics such as each
team’s rushing, passing and total yards for both the first
half and the entire game. It is best to award points for these
categories as follows: within 10 yards = five points, within 20
yards = three points and within 30 yards = one point.
Top it off by betting on the total number of points scored at
the half and the end of the game. Award five points for correct
predictions, three for being within three and one for being within
seven. Also, award an additional five points to any person who
correctly predicts a winner. Place your bets.
Step 5: Watch the game. Remember to live and die with your picks,
yell at the screen and don’t be afraid to heckle the dumb
bastard who chose tails over heads. Who does that?
Step 6: Collect your winnings. Celebrate by watching the premier
of Survivor: All-Star.
Step 7: Survivor? Step seven is to beat the crap out of whoever
just suggested you watch Survivor: All-Star.