January 9 , 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 55  

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NEWS

The wacky world of sports

With respect for professional athletes at an all-time low, and in light of this year’s lacklustre year in sports (uh... Go Marlins!... what?), The Gazette looks into its crystal ball to prognosticate the year ahead:

Kobe Bryant’s cell mate accuses him of rape: First, the poor, maligned hoopster loses his shot at another championship, and now this. Don’t worry, Kobe — the rest of your millions will keep “Big Vic’s” settlement paid long after he leaves jail.

Mike Tyson buys the Neverland Ranch: Jacko’s assured us he’s not going back to Neverland, after it was tainted by investigators. Once Iron Mike wins his lawsuit against Don King he’ll use the spoils to climb the socio-economic ladder. After all, even Tyson realizes great snacks are better in bite-size.

Slamkey: Faced with equally low TV ratings, the NHL and Slamball join forces to create a new super-sport. Even after replacing the boards with spring-loaded rubber mats and making Anna Kournikova the first and only draft pick, the league only outlasts the XFL by about four hours.

Michael Jordan retires... part IV: No. 23 decides to come back, but having to keep buzzing the white stubble on his melon becomes too much of a distraction to carry on. In an unrelated story, people remember the Washington Wizards exist, but don’t actually care.

Gary Bettman completes his transformation into a troll: After watering down the NHL’s talent pool and generally just fucking up the sport, Bettman puts a new face on the league executive. The NHL’s new sponsor... Hair Club for Men.

Remember Marv Albert?...

Don Cherry says something offensive: In addition to this, water will be wet, the sun will rise tomorrow, grass will grow and the Leafs won’t escape the first round...

New NFL touchdown celebrations: The Dirty Bird and the Throat-Slash were good; the autograph and the cell phone were better; but this year, prepare to be blown away. Prostitutes in the end zone will completely burn the other team, changing the red zone into the “red light zone,” with players like Eugene Robinson suddenly inspired to score.

Joe Namath’s renaissance: Santa Claus is getting on in years and who better to carry the sporting world through future festive seasons than this “cheerful” Hall of Famer? No apology necessary, Joe — you’ll always have Super Bowl III.

 

 

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