Did you hear?
Saddam got captured!
By Dan Perry
Despite the perpetual hangover from two weeks of drunken table
top renditions of Summer of ‘69, the world did not stop
spinning over the winter break.
The American military claims to have cleaned up in Iraq, after
the Dec. 14 capture of Saddam Hussein. After finding Hussein
in a hole outside a farmhouse, the fanfare began, the flag
waved, President George W. Bush kissed a baby and rainbows
randomly sprung up across the land. Since the war “ended” the
first time (May 1), 347 American soldiers have been killed,
31 of those coming after the quasi-second ending of the war
upon the dictator’s capture. The Iraqi civilian body
count ranges between 7,900 and 9,700, but hey, “we got
Good news for Canadian vigilantes: Paul Martin and his new
cabinet are re-examining the billion-dollar blunder formerly
known as the $2 million gun registry. The move is sure to win
support from rural ridings and maligned backbenchers alike,
leaving the only hope of thwarting Martin’s rise to power
in the hands of Frodo.
Like the proverbial cat (meat), SARS came back the very next
day in China, with a second new case reported this week. The
new season for the disease is bringing renewed fears of an
outbreak. At press time, apprehensive Toronto tourism employees
were trying to thaw out Keith Richards for an encore.
Though not frozen, an earthquake survivor was found in Iran
yesterday, a rare bright spot for rescuers, who are still sifting
through rubble. The Boxing Day quake which killed an estimated
30,000 people spared the lucky 56 year-old man, who survived
thanks to a nearby water source.
Several of Air France’s Christmas flights were grounded
when a passenger with possible links to al-Qaida and a pilot’s
license failed to show up for boarding. Next time your hair-dryer
blows a fuse and makes you late for a flight, remember: a little
sketchy information about yourself can come in handy.
Another case of mad cow disease has kept the American border
closed to Canadian beef exports. Though the case first surfaced
in the United States, the cow was born in Canada. Canadian
farmers insistence that the cow must’ve “gone funny” once
he got south of the border was shot down by American evidence.
Exhibit A: Jim Carrey.
And finally this week, the media has feasted on Michael Jackson
for the past several days, camping outside his Neverland Ranch
hoping for a glance of the embattled singer. But Wacko Jacko
cleverly jetted to Sin City — what happens in Vegas stays
in Vegas... including “sleepovers.”