January 9 , 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 55  

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NEWS

Did you hear?
Saddam got captured!

By Dan Perry
Gazette Staff

Despite the perpetual hangover from two weeks of drunken table top renditions of Summer of ‘69, the world did not stop spinning over the winter break.

The American military claims to have cleaned up in Iraq, after the Dec. 14 capture of Saddam Hussein. After finding Hussein in a hole outside a farmhouse, the fanfare began, the flag waved, President George W. Bush kissed a baby and rainbows randomly sprung up across the land. Since the war “ended” the first time (May 1), 347 American soldiers have been killed, 31 of those coming after the quasi-second ending of the war upon the dictator’s capture. The Iraqi civilian body count ranges between 7,900 and 9,700, but hey, “we got him!”

Good news for Canadian vigilantes: Paul Martin and his new cabinet are re-examining the billion-dollar blunder formerly known as the $2 million gun registry. The move is sure to win support from rural ridings and maligned backbenchers alike, leaving the only hope of thwarting Martin’s rise to power in the hands of Frodo.

Like the proverbial cat (meat), SARS came back the very next day in China, with a second new case reported this week. The new season for the disease is bringing renewed fears of an outbreak. At press time, apprehensive Toronto tourism employees were trying to thaw out Keith Richards for an encore.

Though not frozen, an earthquake survivor was found in Iran yesterday, a rare bright spot for rescuers, who are still sifting through rubble. The Boxing Day quake which killed an estimated 30,000 people spared the lucky 56 year-old man, who survived thanks to a nearby water source.

Several of Air France’s Christmas flights were grounded when a passenger with possible links to al-Qaida and a pilot’s license failed to show up for boarding. Next time your hair-dryer blows a fuse and makes you late for a flight, remember: a little sketchy information about yourself can come in handy.
Another case of mad cow disease has kept the American border closed to Canadian beef exports. Though the case first surfaced in the United States, the cow was born in Canada. Canadian farmers insistence that the cow must’ve “gone funny” once he got south of the border was shot down by American evidence. Exhibit A: Jim Carrey.

And finally this week, the media has feasted on Michael Jackson for the past several days, camping outside his Neverland Ranch hoping for a glance of the embattled singer. But Wacko Jacko cleverly jetted to Sin City — what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... including “sleepovers.”

 

 

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