March 3, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 79  

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Celebrity Dartboard
Stick it on a wall, aim and throw!

Hey Joan: “What are you weeaaaarrring?” For your sake, it’d better be body armour.

The reasons to put darts in your clay face — finally bringing your Batman namesake villain to life — are many. Here’s to hoping Christian Bale makes short work of your ass.

Unfortunately, just your career died. Lately, you’ve... hosted the part of the Oscars nobody watches — great job [insert 1991-style “not” here]. The only redeeming quality you have, Joan, is longevity; you’ve been there forever. But when your talk show was deepsixed, you should’ve taken the hint.

You’ve had more facelifts than the Sphinx, and frankly, it’d be more fun to hang out with a cat-pharaoh’s likeness in the desert: at least the statue doesn’t talk.



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