March 4, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 80  

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SPORTS

Roundtable: What “sports” are actually sports?

By Gazette Staff
Gazette Staff

The venerable sports roundtable has returned.
After a small side trip to steal Camelot’s round table (don’t ask — we were high on PCP), The Gazette brings you a sports forum that dares to ask the question: what is a sport? This rounds participants included Editor-in-Chief Emmett Macfarlane; Sports editors Ian Denomme, David Lee and Alison Stolz; Opinions editor Mark Polishuk; Campus Life editor Kelly Marcella; News editor Laura Katsirdakis and Sports writer Aron Yeomanson.

EMMETT: Not curling.
ALISON: Curling’s a sport.
MARK: Curling is a game, not a sport.
KELLY: I think figure skating, gymnastics and all those judged competitions are not sports.
IAN: My girlfriend is very far away — so I can say this without fear of being hurt — figure skating is not a sport.
MARK: Any sport where my dad could conceivably be an Olympic athlete can never be considered a sport. Back in the original Olympics, they used to have both sports and competitions for poetry and stuff.
DAVE: How come you know that, Mark?
KELLY: Golf is a sport. Why is chess in the Olympics? It should be eliminated.
EMMETT: Then you’re eliminating half the Russian Olympians.
ARON: I’ll wait until later to comment.
KELLY: Euchre! They should let euchre be a sport so I could be an Olympic athlete. I’m the best euchre player ever.
MARK: KELLY, I will bring you down.
KELLY: Whatever!
MARK: To quote those cheerleaders from Bring It On, “Bring it on.”
KELLY: I could never do figure skating; I was my own Tonya Harding, and I’d stab myself in the leg with a skate.
MARK: “Why me, why now?”
DAVE: What, did you shit yourself again buddy?
MARK: It Depends.
IAN: I forget what we’re talking about. We go on a bit of a tangent.
(DAVE stops to answer the phone. It’s his girlfriend. Four other editors simultaneously make the “wuppah” sound).
DAVE: But now all the readers know that I’m not single! All the girls who wanted to sleep with me because of my witty columns will have their dreams shattered!
MARK: Trust me, Dave — no girl ever wants to sleep with you for your witty columns. Anyway, even though I play it, I would say that golf is not a sport.
IAN: Yes it is.
ALISON: I agree with Mark.
LAURA: Rock, paper, scissors is not a sport, even though they have world championships, organizations and shit like that.
MARK: Anything where you can actually smoke and drink while you’re doing it is not a sport.
EMMETT: So bowling’s not a sport?
MARK: No.
EMMETT: Is dating a sport?
LAURA: It’s competitive and involves physical activity.
DAVE: Unless you’re Mark. Zing!
MARK: Just keep feeding the bears, Lee. Just keep feeding the bears.
ALISON: Is there a world championship for it?
DAVE: Yeah — she’s called Jenna Jameson.
LAURA: What about Elimidate? Or Average Joe?
IAN: Or The Littlest Groom.
MARK: Those are not sports. Do not insult sports.
EMMETT: That’s like hunting at a zoo. It’s not challenging.
IAN: Hunting’s a sport.
KELLY: That’s no fucking sport. They sit on their platforms with their bags of chips.
ALISON: Fishing’s not a sport.
IAN: Then why is there a TV show called Canadian Sportsfishing?
MARK: Oh, you’ve got us there, Ian. That’s a game like Go Fish or Hungry Hungry Hippo.
ALISON: So is fishing a sport?
EMMETT: You’ve got to have the physical dexterity to hook the worm.
MARK: Are we still talking about masturbation?
EMMETT: This is the worst roundtable ever.
DAVE: We say that every time.

 

 

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