March 11, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 84  

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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Friends retrospective à la Shuk

Shukvision
Mark Polishuk

Opinions Editor

We’re just a couple months away from the last episode of Friends, and with only four new episodes left, NBC has decided to fill the next six weeks with “the best of Friends” reruns. In honour of NBC’s shameless attempt to package reruns as something special, Shukvision is going to embark on its own, 27 per cent more original, Friends retrospective.

The First Friends episode
I ever saw

The one where Ross helps Rachel do her laundry for the first time. I saw it in a hotel room in Macon, Georgia in 1995 on my way down to Florida with my dad to see some spring training baseball. At one game, I saw former Toronto Blue Jays manager Buck Martinez sitting in the stands behind home plate with his shirt off. The vision of that chest and shoulder hair still leaves me curled in the fetal position, weeping. Only Friends could ease the pain.

Best Episode
This was a tough call so I’m deciding to sit on the fence like a modern-day... uh... James Madison. I’m sure the fourth president of the United States sat on a fence at some point in his life. Anyway, just about all of the Thanksgiving episodes (i.e. Rachel makes a trifle, Brad Pitt guest-stars, Monica and Ross play football) are hilarious.

Worst Episode
Friends generally kept at the same B+ level of comedy throughout its entire run, so there aren’t many episodes that really stand out as being memorably bad. The recent episode with Greg Kinnear, however, was pretty stupid.

Funniest Moments
5) Ross and Monica’s New Year’s dance routine
4) Ross trying to remove his leather pants
3) Chandler, Rachel and Ross try to move a couch upstairs. “Pi-VOT!”
2) Phoebe and Chandler try to “seduce” each other
1) The Holiday Armadillo

Most Unintentionally
Hilarious Moment

Remember the episode where an encyclopedia salesman (Penn from Penn & Teller) is trying to sell Joey a set of encyclopedias by asking him if he ever feels left out of conversations with his friends? Joey flashes back to his not being able to contribute when the gang is discussing documentaries they’ve seen, Nobel Prize winners, etc. When the hell have these six ever had intellectual conversation.

Most Dated Moment
The episode where Ross, Monica and Chandler go to a Hootie & the Blowfish concert. Ah, the fun of being a mid-’90s yuppie.

Best Celebrity Guest Star
Tom Selleck. His moustache took second place.

Worst Celebrity Guest Star
Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Friend that probably
has the best idea of what
Conan O’Brien looks like naked

Lisa Kudrow used to date Conan back when the two were acting together in Los Angeles comedy troupes in the late ‘80s.

Once and for all,
who’s the hottest female friend

Kudrow is hurt by the fact that Phoebe was supposed to be the “wacky one” and was uglied up in bland pastels for most of the series. Most people would vote for Jennifer Aniston, but I’ve always been a longtime fan of Courteney Cox from back in the Family Ties and Ace Ventura days. Aside from that unfortunate season when she got freakishly thin, I have to put myself down as a big supporter of Cox. Some men might be wary of picking Cox, but frankly, I could watch Cox all day.

Once and for all,
who’s the hottest male friend

I’m not qualified to answer this, so a quick poll of the women in The Gazette office reveals that it’s Matthew Perry. Moral of the story: girls love funny guys with drug problems.

Worst movies starring
a Friends cast member

3) Masters of the Universe — This one not only had Cox, but also Christina Pickles, who played Monica’s mother on Friends.
2) Leprechaun — Aniston was in this movie that gained eternal fame thanks to Mike Myers and a flashlight.
1) Ed — Matt LeBlanc co-stars with a baseball-playing chimp. Even worse, the chimp is now a starting pitcher for the Detroit Tigers.

Odds that the last episode
will suck

Probably 4-1. Last episodes almost always stink. Seinfeld, I’m looking in your direction.

 

 

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