Marlon Brando’s belly button and the Mid East
In the big scheme of things,
I’m a pretty insignificant guy. I wake up when my alarm
clock says so, I go to work and write about other people,
and then I drink, only to be told to stop drinking and leave
the establishment at the early time of 2 a.m..
But I do have one power, and that’s to wish for better
things. Of course there are the usual ones, like wishing for
bigger muscles, a fast car, the elimination of essays in all
my classes, but those are ones everyone has.
Here’s a wish list of stuff I’d like to see change
in the world, and things I’d like to see brought to our
Haiti looking like a place you’d want to visit: I’m
sure it’s a really nice place, but with all those crazy
voodoo people scampering around and becoming president for
the day, it definitely ranks among Baghdad, hell and Marlon
Brando’s belly button as my next vacation spot.
Hockey players who are as tough as me: If all hockey players,
like Todd Bertuzzi, were as skinny and harmless as me then
you probably wouldn’t have the Steve Moore face plant
we witnessed Monday night. But then again, if they’ve
got my athletic ability everyone would be lousy hockey players.
Politicians who act like politicians: I realize there has
to be a place for the unethical, devious, sneaky, slimy, smarmy
people in our society, but damn it — they’re ruining
Student politicians who act like they’re politicians:
It’s been said before and I’ll say it again, you’re
not that important — you maybe unethical, devious, sneaky,
slimy and smarmy, but you still have a long way to go.
Make student council meetings more exciting: Few attend these,
even some councillors don’t, so maybe every time someone
says something useless they have to take off an article of
their clothing. No wait, everyone will be stripped before the
meeting is over — and nobody wants to see councillors
Eddie Shack for PM: Not everybody likes Paul Martin, not everybody
likes the Liberals, but imagine a country run by Eddie. The
guy doesn’t lie, he tells jokes all the time and when
was the last time we had a prime minister with a handlebar
mustache, constantly sporting a Stetson. Or is he dead?
A federal election: How are we supposed to elect Eddie Shack
if they don’t let us vote? Maybe if we gave Martin one
of those watches with the alarm that talks, then he’d
remember the uh, er, election thingy.
Someone to admit something’s wrong in Iraq: Call me
crazy, but does a place where people shoot or blow up people
on a daily basis seem like a normal place where sanity reigns?
Maybe what Iraq needs is Eddie Shack.
Martha should go to jail: Celebrities don’t go to jail,
but how sweet would it be to have Martha Stewart sent to the
big house only to be made a bitch by her new cell mate, C-block
Rhonda, who doesn’t want her cell “spruced up.” That’s
a good thing.
Big rockets for the Middle East: The whole mess over there
doesn’t seem to stop, so why not attach it to a bunch
of super powerful rockets and blast it into outer space where
it can’t cause any more trouble. At least things would
be a little quieter and peaceful here on Earth.