March 11, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 84  

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NEWS

Marlon Brando’s belly button and the Mid East

Marshall Law
Marshall Bellamy

News Editor

In the big scheme of things, I’m a pretty insignificant guy. I wake up when my alarm clock says so, I go to work and write about other people, and then I drink, only to be told to stop drinking and leave the establishment at the early time of 2 a.m..

But I do have one power, and that’s to wish for better things. Of course there are the usual ones, like wishing for bigger muscles, a fast car, the elimination of essays in all my classes, but those are ones everyone has.

Here’s a wish list of stuff I’d like to see change in the world, and things I’d like to see brought to our world.

Haiti looking like a place you’d want to visit: I’m sure it’s a really nice place, but with all those crazy voodoo people scampering around and becoming president for the day, it definitely ranks among Baghdad, hell and Marlon Brando’s belly button as my next vacation spot.

Hockey players who are as tough as me: If all hockey players, like Todd Bertuzzi, were as skinny and harmless as me then you probably wouldn’t have the Steve Moore face plant we witnessed Monday night. But then again, if they’ve got my athletic ability everyone would be lousy hockey players.

Politicians who act like politicians: I realize there has to be a place for the unethical, devious, sneaky, slimy, smarmy people in our society, but damn it — they’re ruining everything.

Student politicians who act like they’re politicians: It’s been said before and I’ll say it again, you’re not that important — you maybe unethical, devious, sneaky, slimy and smarmy, but you still have a long way to go.

Make student council meetings more exciting: Few attend these, even some councillors don’t, so maybe every time someone says something useless they have to take off an article of their clothing. No wait, everyone will be stripped before the meeting is over — and nobody wants to see councillors naked.

Eddie Shack for PM: Not everybody likes Paul Martin, not everybody likes the Liberals, but imagine a country run by Eddie. The guy doesn’t lie, he tells jokes all the time and when was the last time we had a prime minister with a handlebar mustache, constantly sporting a Stetson. Or is he dead?

A federal election: How are we supposed to elect Eddie Shack if they don’t let us vote? Maybe if we gave Martin one of those watches with the alarm that talks, then he’d remember the uh, er, election thingy.

Someone to admit something’s wrong in Iraq: Call me crazy, but does a place where people shoot or blow up people on a daily basis seem like a normal place where sanity reigns? Maybe what Iraq needs is Eddie Shack.

Martha should go to jail: Celebrities don’t go to jail, but how sweet would it be to have Martha Stewart sent to the big house only to be made a bitch by her new cell mate, C-block Rhonda, who doesn’t want her cell “spruced up.” That’s a good thing.

Big rockets for the Middle East: The whole mess over there doesn’t seem to stop, so why not attach it to a bunch of super powerful rockets and blast it into outer space where it can’t cause any more trouble. At least things would be a little quieter and peaceful here on Earth.

 

 

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