March 17, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 87  

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Teenage Drama Queen inspires, transforms

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
Starring: Lindsay Lohan, Glenne Headly, Alison Pill
Directed by: Sara Sugarman

By Dave Picard
Gazette Staff

Gazette File Photo
TEENAGE DRAMA QUEENS. Above, Lola (Lohan) and friend sport that tousled-just-got-out-of-bed-sexhead. Below, a trio of Tiffany snobs showcase that oh-so-pricey look.

Schindler’s List. The Shawshank Redemption. The Godfather. Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. All these renowned cinematic masterpieces have not only changed the way we view the art of film, but also the way we view ourselves. Acting as sources of inspiration, the above films transform the silver screen into a majestic mirror, reflecting nature’s most precious gift: our tender social psyche.

If you haven’t sensed the sarcasm by now, put down this paper, punch yourself in the throat and donate a dollar to an orphanage. Confessions is a piece of shit.

Dumb, perky Lola (Lohan) has a rivalry with the Western-brand uppity yet hot — and therefore likable — bitch Karen (Headly). Lola also has an ugly friend named Ella (Pill).

The film’s plot includes some sort of band, a move to New Jersey and loathsome self-discovery.

The dialogue sucks like a first-year Saugeen girl trying to get into Jim Bob Ray’s; the acting is as enjoyable as repetitive bouts of diarrhea and the music is like Hilary Duff without the stuff. Note to Lohan: just because you can open your mouth doesn’t mean you can sing. However, your many “developments” since Freaky Friday are appreciated.

Headly’s delightful Karen is a welcome break from the annoying Lohan, as she is committed to making every person’s life a living hell. Her dedication should serve as inspiration to every girl on campus who knows her Burberry and Tiffany’s products puts every other bitch’s to shame.

Karen’s only loose end is her involvement in the school’s drama production. Everyone knows a hot, rich, stylish chick wouldn’t reduce herself to being involved with commoners.

Regrettably, Headly cannot be the main character, and audiences are stuck with Duff’s playground rival Lohan. Unlike Duff, who produces her own products, Lohan is quite content to prostitute a wide array of other company’s brands.

She is Coke, Dominos and Macintosh’s ho. Small children and socially-inept Brescia University College babes will soon be sporting Coke bottle-cap necklaces á la the oh-so trendy one worn by Lohan.

If the product placements don’t bother you, the film’s bizarre segues into cartoony, dream world segments surely will. Acid trips have been tamer than these fluorescent, seizure-inducing moments.

Unfortunately, the best part of the film was leaving the theatre during a pivotal plot moment to take a dump. And although the plot has bigger holes than Jenna Jameson, the film still earns an Earth-shattering six-and-a-half stars due to the scrumptious hot chick and the juxtaposition of classically beautiful New York City against putrid New Jersey.




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