March 19, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 89  

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NEWS

Man runs over bin Laden, but not

By Marshall Bellamy
Gazette Staff

Between convoluted essays, boar-hunting excursions and hot-air balloon piloting lessons, students at Western have very little time to find out what is going on in the world. So without further ado — here’s News for Dummies.

Earlier this week, Rev. Al Sharpton bowed out of the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, leaving Dennis Kucinich as the only challenger against Senator John Kerry.

Sources confirmed that Kucinich just found out he is attempting to run for president, and is still trying to find Washington D.C. on a map. He promised that by tomorrow he’d find out how to touch his nose.

The Spanish government is now seeking more suspects and links with al-Qaida for the recent commuter train bombings after arresting three Moroccans. The newly-elected prime minister has also promised to pull Spain’s troops from Iraq — so giving in to terrorists’ demands is a good thing?

A researcher at the University of California at Los Angeles was arrested for selling cadavers to private companies, collecting over $700,000. Not exactly a stiff deal. Or sounds like the companies did not stiff him.

Several e-mail companies are launching lawsuits against the world’s worst SPAMmers amid calls for SPAM to be made illegal. The move is expected to leave millions of people without inboxes full of e-mails about pyramid schemes, miracles diets and free porn.

Members of Parliament voted in favour of giving themselves better medical benefits. And we all voted for those greedy, corrupt bastards in the first place.

Finally this week, a crazy French driver attempted to run over a man he thought was Osama bin Laden; of course, he was wrong and the pedestrian was able to escape unscathed, while the driver was ordered to seek counselling.

 

 

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