Man runs over bin Laden, but not
By Marshall Bellamy
Between convoluted essays, boar-hunting excursions and hot-air
balloon piloting lessons, students at Western have very little
time to find out what is going on in the world. So without
further ado — here’s News for Dummies.
Earlier this week, Rev. Al Sharpton bowed out of the race
for the Democratic presidential nomination, leaving Dennis
Kucinich as the only challenger against Senator John Kerry.
Sources confirmed that Kucinich just found out he is attempting
to run for president, and is still trying to find Washington
D.C. on a map. He promised that by tomorrow he’d find
out how to touch his nose.
The Spanish government is now seeking more suspects and links
with al-Qaida for the recent commuter train bombings after
arresting three Moroccans. The newly-elected prime minister
has also promised to pull Spain’s troops from Iraq — so
giving in to terrorists’ demands is a good thing?
A researcher at the University of California at Los Angeles
was arrested for selling cadavers to private companies, collecting
over $700,000. Not exactly a stiff deal. Or sounds like the
companies did not stiff him.
Several e-mail companies are launching lawsuits against the
world’s worst SPAMmers amid calls for SPAM to be made
illegal. The move is expected to leave millions of people without
inboxes full of e-mails about pyramid schemes, miracles diets
and free porn.
Members of Parliament voted in favour of giving themselves
better medical benefits. And we all voted for those greedy,
corrupt bastards in the first place.
Finally this week, a crazy French driver attempted to run
over a man he thought was Osama bin Laden; of course, he was
wrong and the pedestrian was able to escape unscathed, while
the driver was ordered to seek counselling.