March 25, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 92  

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Television brawls to-the-death

Mark Polishuk

Opinions Editor

Gazette file photo
TOGETHER FOREVER... OR ARE THEY? Sure the slimy Simon Cowell hits hard with his critiques, and Randy Jackson is a big man, but Paula Abdul will emerge victorious.

There are some days when writing a TV column allows me to ask thought-provoking questions about the medium that so quietly shapes our lives.

And then, there are days for asking questions like, “Who would win a to-the-death brawl between the casts of various TV shows?” Today is one of those days.

24: Since there is nothing Jack Bauer cannot do, he whips everyone with a hand tied behind his back. The only one he doesn’t kill is his daughter Kim, who is taken out by a random mountain lion. Jack Bauer then defeats the lion in hand-to-hand combat and makes a stylish jacket from its hide.

Jessica: Grrr, I’m gonna get you, Nick!
Nick: Hey look behind you, it’s Manolo Blahnik.
Jessica: Really? Where?
**Nick hits her with a framed 98 Degrees gold record**
Jessica: Ow! That wasn’t fair! You tricked me.
Nick: Sorry baby, you’re right. Hey look, Manolo Blahnik is back.
Jessica: Really?

Friends: Rachel, Ross and Chandler are summarily disposed of. Joey could put up a fight, but he’d be taken down after being distracted by a hotdog cart or hot woman walking by. This leaves hyper-competitive, “freakishly strong” Monica versus the streetwise Phoebe. I’d take Phoebe to win via guitar shot over the head à la the Honky Tonk Man.

Just Shoot Me: Nina is filled with rage over being a good character stuck on a crappy show, and takes the day. Surprisingly, no one just shoots anyone.

Everybody Loves Raymond: Everybody gangs up on Robert. Everybody gangs up on Raymond, except for Debra. Everybody left is elderly, and by this point tired from the constant battling, thus leaving them as easy picking for Debra to mop the floor with them. The show’s title is changed to Everybody Loves Debra Because If We Don’t She’ll Hurt Us.

CNN Crossfire: Don’t you just get the impression Jasmes Carville is the kind of guy who would fight really, really dirty? I’m talking hair-pulling, eye-gouging, groin-kicking and all that jazz. Tucker Carlson would get his bow tie shoved down his throat.

Gilligan’s Island: If he can build a telephone out of a coconut, I have no doubt the Professor can build some type of battle armour exo-skeleton out of sand and seagull droppings.

Cheers: Sam is the ex-athlete, Woody has the youth advantage and Norm has the size advantage, but I’d say these guys all cancel each other out, leaving Lillith to pick up the upset win. She just seems like she has a lot of bottled-up rage.

CBS NFL Pre-game: You’d think a battle involving three former star athletes would be competitive, but given how long NFL careers invariably lead to bad backs, bad knees, arthritis, etc., all studio host Jim Nantz has to do is stand back and let the bones give out.

American Idol: In an upset, Paula Abdul. Her opponents are humiliated not just by the beating, but by the patronizing trash talk. “Oh, you tried really hard there. You sure gave it your best shot. Wow, that was a great job of almost standing up to that punch to your throat. You should be proud for doing your best!”



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