ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
Television brawls to-the-death
Gazette file photo
TOGETHER FOREVER... OR ARE THEY? Sure the slimy Simon Cowell hits hard
with his critiques, and Randy Jackson is a big man, but Paula Abdul will
There are some days when writing a TV column allows me to
ask thought-provoking questions about the medium that so quietly shapes our
And then, there are days for asking questions like, “Who would win a
to-the-death brawl between the casts of various TV shows?” Today is one
of those days.
24: Since there is nothing Jack Bauer cannot do, he whips everyone with a
hand tied behind his back. The only one he doesn’t kill is his daughter
Kim, who is taken out by a random mountain lion. Jack Bauer then defeats the
lion in hand-to-hand combat and makes a stylish jacket from its hide.
Jessica: Grrr, I’m gonna get you, Nick!
Nick: Hey look behind you, it’s Manolo Blahnik.
Jessica: Really? Where?
**Nick hits her with a framed 98 Degrees gold record**
Jessica: Ow! That wasn’t fair! You tricked me.
Nick: Sorry baby, you’re right. Hey look, Manolo Blahnik is back.
Friends: Rachel, Ross and Chandler are summarily disposed of. Joey could put
up a fight, but he’d be taken down after being distracted by a hotdog
cart or hot woman walking by. This leaves hyper-competitive, “freakishly
strong” Monica versus the streetwise Phoebe. I’d take Phoebe to
win via guitar shot over the head à la the Honky Tonk Man.
Just Shoot Me: Nina is filled with rage over being a good character stuck
on a crappy show, and takes the day. Surprisingly, no one just shoots anyone.
Everybody Loves Raymond: Everybody gangs up on Robert. Everybody gangs up
on Raymond, except for Debra. Everybody left is elderly, and by this point
tired from the constant battling, thus leaving them as easy picking for Debra
to mop the floor with them. The show’s title is changed to Everybody
Loves Debra Because If We Don’t She’ll Hurt Us.
CNN Crossfire: Don’t you just get the impression Jasmes Carville is
the kind of guy who would fight really, really dirty? I’m talking hair-pulling,
eye-gouging, groin-kicking and all that jazz. Tucker Carlson would get his
bow tie shoved down his throat.
Gilligan’s Island: If he can build a telephone out of a coconut, I have
no doubt the Professor can build some type of battle armour exo-skeleton out
of sand and seagull droppings.
Cheers: Sam is the ex-athlete, Woody has the youth advantage and Norm has
the size advantage, but I’d say these guys all cancel each other out,
leaving Lillith to pick up the upset win. She just seems like she has a lot
of bottled-up rage.
CBS NFL Pre-game: You’d think a battle involving three former star athletes
would be competitive, but given how long NFL careers invariably lead to bad
backs, bad knees, arthritis, etc., all studio host Jim Nantz has to do is stand
back and let the bones give out.
American Idol: In an upset, Paula Abdul. Her opponents are humiliated not
just by the beating, but by the patronizing trash talk. “Oh, you tried
really hard there. You sure gave it your best shot. Wow, that was a great job
of almost standing up to that punch to your throat. You should be proud for
doing your best!”