March 26, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 93  

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Landlords need to watch their space

I'm hot
Dave Picard

Photo Editor

Do you have one of those great landlords who is always making sure everything at your place is OK or who actually fixes things that break?

If so, don’t tell me about it because I will be forced to karate chop you or your mother in the kidney.

I, unfortunately, have a terrible landlord. While this fact was a mere annoyance for a large portion of the past school year, it has now become the bane of my existence. Not only can bad landlords make your year on their property hurt like being rejected by a prostitute (OH SNAP!), but with threats to future credit limits, you may be haunted by their fucker-ness for years to come.

With the pressure of exams looming over me, the last thing I need to worry about is some bastard or bitch landlord trying to screw me or my roommates. And I’m willing to bet that my housemates and I are not the only victims of the dreaded “shite” landlord.

People with good landlords may wonder: what exactly constitutes a “shite” landlord? I’ll make it crystal clear in my list of please-dos and please-do-nots for landlords:

• Please fix, repaint and clean the house before new people move in. If we wanted to live in other people’s filth, we would spend all our waking hours at Solid Gold.

• Please do not blame us for damage done to the house by the previous year’s occupants. If you ever actually came to the house you would know it was like that when we got it. Wankers.

• Please maintain the yard around our unit. While a copious amount of strewn garbage throughout the lot does have a certain appeal, it also invites nasty animals to settle down in the neighbourhood. Also, nothing makes mom and dad want to visit like the memory of the rain-drenched pad that graced our lawn during their last stay.

• Please do not bring groups of 20 people to look at our house. You clearly can’t monitor them all. Call us uptight, but we enjoy not being robbed. Side note to prospective tenants: obviously you should take your shoes off. Stop asking stupid questions.

For those familiar with this bind, do not despair. Follow this process to make the situation an enjoyable one:

1. If for some reason you aren’t going to GT’s on a Thursday night, stay home and compile a list of the illegal things your landlord has done and the illegal clauses in your lease. You’d be surprised what you can come up with.

2. Mail the list to the Ontario Rental Housing Tribunal and your landlord. To the landlord’s copy, attach a note saying “You got served!”

3. Watch the landlord squirm.
Hopefully this rant has been therapeutic for all those who endure a similar tenancy-hell. You are not alone.



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