Canada and Denmark heading to war over lump of ice?
By Dan Perry
Be warned: a new study by The Gazette’s idiotology department
has shown dummyism is on the rise — and we proved that
with no government funding.
A study conducted on 63 random episodes of The Simpsons at
Rutgers University was released this week and chastised Homer
Simpson’s eating habits as a bad influence on children.
Homer was found to be talking about food, or eating, more often
than any other character. By that logic, aren’t kids
equally vulnerable to Lisa’s super-intelligent musings
about her father’s idiocy? Just a thought.
The federal budget was announced this week, and as expected
in an election year, Finance Minister Ralph Goodale threw taxpayers’ money
at things like student loans, university research, municipal
tax relief, contaminated site cleanup, foreign aid and vaccinations,
while chopping $1 billion from Via Rail. Goodale may not be
an Irish name, but it sure sounds like someone found a pot
The Danish-Canadian War is upon us. Sure, there have been
no shots fired (and probably won’t be), but starting
Apr. 1, Canadian forces will be patrolling our northern islands.
The closest thing to a dispute between the two champions of
non-aggression centres on Hans Island, a one-kilometre by three-kilometre,
ice-covered island both Canada and Denmark claim to own. That
ought to keep the Americans happy, though — we’re
finally stepping up border security.
Speaking of Americans, in the Sept. 11 investigation that dominated
CNN all week, the government blamed their inaction against
terrorism on the lack of public support for pre-emptive strikes
before the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.
Of course, that didn’t seem to stop them in Iraq...
Hamas’ spiritual leader Sheik Ahmed Yassin was targeted
and killed by an Israeli missile strike last weekend. Many
are worried the assassination will set a precedent and may
lead to more government-authorized assassinations. Many others
are worried about Hamas’ retribution and the mobilization
of the Palestinian people against Israel. The rest of the world,
including most innocent civilians in the area, are just plain