March 26, 2004  
Volume 97, Issue 93  

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Canada and Denmark heading to war over lump of ice?

By Dan Perry
Gazette Staff

Be warned: a new study by The Gazette’s idiotology department has shown dummyism is on the rise — and we proved that with no government funding.

A study conducted on 63 random episodes of The Simpsons at Rutgers University was released this week and chastised Homer Simpson’s eating habits as a bad influence on children. Homer was found to be talking about food, or eating, more often than any other character. By that logic, aren’t kids equally vulnerable to Lisa’s super-intelligent musings about her father’s idiocy? Just a thought.

The federal budget was announced this week, and as expected in an election year, Finance Minister Ralph Goodale threw taxpayers’ money at things like student loans, university research, municipal tax relief, contaminated site cleanup, foreign aid and vaccinations, while chopping $1 billion from Via Rail. Goodale may not be an Irish name, but it sure sounds like someone found a pot of gold.

The Danish-Canadian War is upon us. Sure, there have been no shots fired (and probably won’t be), but starting Apr. 1, Canadian forces will be patrolling our northern islands. The closest thing to a dispute between the two champions of non-aggression centres on Hans Island, a one-kilometre by three-kilometre, ice-covered island both Canada and Denmark claim to own. That ought to keep the Americans happy, though — we’re finally stepping up border security.
Speaking of Americans, in the Sept. 11 investigation that dominated CNN all week, the government blamed their inaction against terrorism on the lack of public support for pre-emptive strikes before the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. Of course, that didn’t seem to stop them in Iraq...

Hamas’ spiritual leader Sheik Ahmed Yassin was targeted and killed by an Israeli missile strike last weekend. Many are worried the assassination will set a precedent and may lead to more government-authorized assassinations. Many others are worried about Hamas’ retribution and the mobilization of the Palestinian people against Israel. The rest of the world, including most innocent civilians in the area, are just plain scared.



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