Coitus on campus: your risqué Western sex guide

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

D.B. Weldon Library Floor Map

Tired of hearing your friends brag about their sex lives? Eager to prove your “game” is on point? Here’s a list of risky public places on Western’s campus to have sex. Satisfy your horniness by trying out any of the following 10 locations.

But remember kids, it’s not whether the sex is good or bad; it’s whether or not you avoid arrest.

10. Third floor University Community Centre washroom " Upper-year students love this location like fat kids love cake. A desolate, often over-looked locale, the handicap stall in the women’s washroom lets you enjoy an uninterrupted romp.

9. Any bathroom/shower/lounge in any residence " Everyone is always having sex in washrooms. It’s cliché, but it’s a necessary part of anyone’s sex repertoire.

8. Conron Hall " Think late-night shags in back-alleys are “un-classy”? Conron Hall is the perfect public sex spot for you. Conveniently situated on the second floor of University College, Conron Hall boasts beautiful, stained-glass windows and a balcony, as it used to be a chapel. It’s no confessional booth, but it will do.

7. TD Waterhouse stadium " Pick your spot to score at Western’s football stadium, whether it’s in the bleachers or in the end zone. Plus, the Astroturf provides a much-needed cushion.

6. Picnic table outside Ivey " When the weather is nice and the sun is shining, what better place to get jiggy with it than the picnic table behind the Ivey building? The picnic table’s sturdy construction offers superior leveraging capabilities, letting daredevils and sexperts maneuver every way imaginable.

5. Saugeen-Maitland Hall " You’ve heard the stories. You’ve seen the photos. You’ve read the articles. Like Paris Hilton and “slut,” sex and Saugeen are forever synonymous. Getting laid here is easier than you think. Simply wait outside with a sign saying, “I Need Sex.”

4. On a police cruiser outside the Stevenson-Lawson building " This feat is reserved for those who truly possess an uncharacteristic balance of extreme horniness and insanity. If you’re caught doing the nasty on the hood of a cruiser, you just might find yourself receiving the beat down of a lifetime. But it’s worth it, right?

3. University College hill " Though it’s a risky location, UC hill offers a romantic panoramic view of the Thames River. Grass-stained knees are a tell-tale sign you just did the horizontal hustle, so be discrete.

2. Fifth floor at Weldon " Having sex at the D.B. Weldon library is an essential part of your university experience. This Western tradition has been around since the library opened its doors in the early ’70s " which means if your parents attended Western, chances are pretty good they indulged in this tradition too. Ew.

1. Any professor’s office " Pull this off and you’ll instantly become a campus hero.

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