On Disc: The 3Tards

Album: Crystal Balls

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

Crystal Balls by The 3Tards

The 3Tards
Crystal Balls
Wounded Paw Records

0.5 stars

There are actually four 3Tards. They look like Korn crossed with D.O.A. and sound like The Dead Kennedys crossed with a dying leopard.

Crystal Balls consists of unimaginative chord progressions and ridiculous lyrics, running for 28 minutes. The 3Tards are the perfect example of where the neo-punks ended up after the hardcore revival in the early ’90s. The entire CD is pretty much a waste of time, featuring hits like “Sodomy Road” and “Manrapist.”

Although it’s mostly an attempt at humour, the album just isn’t funny. The fact these guys managed to get signed is phenomenal.

The 3Tards have a generic hardcore sound and every song on their album blends in your head as the worst version of The Aristocrats ever told.

Unfortunately, there’s a band out there called the 3Tards and it somehow released an album. It would’ve gotten zero stars, but someone somewhere liked it enough to sign the band.

At least it gives hope to anyone wanting a record deal.

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