George Clooney looks to adopt from First World

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

George Clooney

Pete Doherty, notorious for kicking reporters, shooting dope and making awful music, is once again making headlines. The London Sun reported that while at a local British zoo, Doherty tossed a joint into a penguin exhibit, which was quickly ingested by a nearby penguin. The penguin was immediately rushed to a local Dominos to quell its munchies. The penguin remains in stable yet red-eyed condition.

• What do the Titanic and Britney Spears have in common? They’ve both hit rock bottom! reports the celebrity trainwreck was photographed attending yet another Alcoholics (not-so) Anonymous meeting in Santa Monica shortly after her purported suicide attempt. This pop star’s “dance” changed radically from a two-step to a 12-step... program, that is.

• Britney’s former boy toy K-Fed has made a lightning-fast turn-around from failed rapper to supportive family man. His strange change will undoubtedly be studied by public relations experts for years. K-Fed has reportedly been taking care of sons Sean Preston and Jayden James while Britney contemplates her life. No word on the children’s reaction to her head shaving.

• Celebrities are a lot like advertisements " if no one pays attention they vanish off the face of the earth. So what do celebrities do when they don’t have films to promote or are gossip-free? You do what George Clooney did: jump on the adoption bandwagon. Clooney is taking this celeb craze to a higher level. He’s not adopting the played-out, impoverished child from a Third World nation; he’s wants to adopt a “young, rich and beautiful woman.” Go figure.

Michael Jackson is so broke he can’t even afford to pay attention. Unfortunately the King of Pop spent too much money “entertaining kids” and not paying his bills. After exhausting all obvious solutions, Michael and his utterly brilliant team of lawyers created a lucrative solution to his financial woes: have people pay Jackson $3,500 to be their friend for 30 seconds. What a concept!

Bobby Brown was bailed out of jail by... a radio station? After spending three nights in a Massachusetts jail last week for failing to pay child support, the 38-year-old R&B singer was released after Hot 99.5 FM paid the $19,150 he owed " on the condition he appears on the station for a week. Easy come, easy go.

• If P. Diddy asks for your girlfriend, you better hand her over promptly or you just might get pimp-slapped. That’s what happened to real estate hotshot Gerard Rechnitzer. Rap impresario Sean Combs was charged with assault after the he allegedly beat Rechnitzer when he refused to hand over his girlfriend to Combs and his entourage. Let that be a lesson to anyone thinking they can step up to “Puff.”

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