Tobago likes the heat, but Elton is too flaming

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

Elton John

Elton John could be banned from playing in the Caribbean island Tobago. It’s not because of noise constraints or security concerns. Obviously, it’s because he’s gay. Ven Philip Isaac, archdeacon for Trinidad and Tobago, believes John’s upcoming presence at an April jazz festival will “open the country to be tempted towards pursuing his lifestyle.” Isaac claims the legendary performer “needs to be ministered to.” Apparently the opening notes of “Tiny Dancer” can irrecoverably alter one’s sexual orientation. Who knew?

• Prepare to weep, Harry Potter fans. Emma Watson, who plays Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter films, has pulled out of the next two movies. Apparently, she’s tired of being known as “that girl from Harry Potter.” Turning down millions, not to mention the royalties she would rake in over the years, Watson has undoubtedly abandoned the most lucrative opportunity she’ll ever receive. Clearly, she got sick of having every boy ask her, “Want to inspect my wand?”

• Black Eyed Peas singer Fergie, also known as a trashy combination of Beyoncé and Gwen Stefani, can now add being kicked off a plane to her resumé, alongside other classy acts like peeing onstage and making nonsensical singles for underagers to hump to. Apparently, Fergie was so drunk she was kicked off a flight to the U.K. and the band left without her and her “lovely lady lumps.” They probably enjoyed a peaceful flight, free of weak catch phrases and “Fergilicious” fun.

• Everyone’s favourite screw up, Miss Lindsay Lohan, has provided even more reasons to trash talk her. If the fact she might be dating Jude Law isn’t titillating enough, maybe her exposed breasts and lady bits are. Fire Crotch was recently spotted chain-smoking, chugging Red Bull and exposing her nether regions. In another sighting, Lohan apparently couldn’t figure out how to button her shirt and exposed her pancake boobs to the masses.

• Britney Spears might not be on this week’s Dirt Sheet, but her ex-lover definitely is. The highly respectable K-Fed is offering fans a chance to win random junk by using his kick-ass new search engine. Swing by and experience the magic! Not only can you stare at K-Fed’s “dreamy” photos, you can also enjoy his user-unfriendly site. Thanks for another solid contribution to society, K-Fed.

• Celebrities everywhere are starving " and Tara Reid has the solution. The blonde actress has decided to open a fast-food chain called Ketchup. Some celebs collect third-world children; this broad likes her restaurants.

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