Olsen twin a dope for Weeds...

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

Michelle Tanner

• To the dismay of gossip columnists worldwide, the plight of Lindsay Lohan has gone from funny to sad. Recently Lohan crashed her pricey Mercedes into a tree. Rumour has it she was under the influence of alcohol and cocaine, which cops later found in her car. Her career was already tanking, and now her life is spiraling downward, too. Ain’t nothin’ funny about that.

• As Paris Hilton gears up for jail, she’s trying to clean up her image in the press. The future inmate has been seen attending church, taking pottery classes, and carrying around a litter of kittens. Seriously. What is another way Hilton could clean up? Valtrex. Despite what the heirhead might think, kittens will not cure her herpes.

Britney Spears posted a heartfelt letter, explaining her fall to “rock bottom” and her stint in rehab, on her website. Amazingly, the letter actually makes Spears seem smarter. Of course, it’s not hard to look good when your peers are coke-addicted, car-crashing, drunk-driving idiots. Brit’s IQ is probably still a solid 100.

Playboy has allegedly offered the newly cosmetically “enhanced” Heidi Montag of The Hills $1 million to pose nude. Do you remember when your mother used to tell you that real beauty is on the inside? According to Playboy, real beauty comes in the form of a nose job, a boob job, and a sleazy boyfriend/manager who will whore you out to the press.

• If you thought the Anna Nicole saga was finally over, you were wrong. Larry Birkhead is grabbing headlines after refusing to pay his legal fees. There’s no such thing as bad publicity, but suing your ex-lawyer to make the tabloids is taking things to a new low.

• It sucks to be Jennifer Aniston right now. While Brangelina took the Cannes Film Festival by storm, Aniston’s career is so dead she’s resorted to pimping designer water. Smartwater is no consolation for losing her husband to the most beautiful woman in the world.

• With Paris in jail, Kelly Osbourne and Kim Stewart are looking to fill the reality-TV void she’s left behind. Networks must think television wouldn’t be the same without talentless celebutards, who are only famous because of their pedigree, poisoning the airwaves " at least, that’s the only valid reason for putting these two on the air.

Katie Holmes claims she and her husband, Tom Cruise, are looking to procreate again. The first baby, Suri, didn’t convince anyone Tom is sane " or straight " but maybe the second time’s the charm.

Mary-Kate Olsen is returning to television. After critical and commercial hits like Full House, Two of a Kind, and So Little Time, naturally Olsen would mark her triumphant return to the tube with a guest role on ...Weeds? It may seem like an odd choice, but the show’s casting directors know what they’re doing. Imagine Michelle Tanner lighting up " TV gold.

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