Taking comfort in the arduous traditions of January

Making resolutions for the people who refuse to make them

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

Rick Mercer and George Lucas

It’s January and we’re back at school. But there’s more to take comfort in at this time of year than the buffer zone that’s once again been restored between you and the stresses of home.

There are some January traditions " rituals that transcend time, status and religious affiliation " that are almost soothing in their predictability. Most people will begin the task of boxing back up festive decorations, having made excuses to put it off until after New Year’s.

After doing a double take at the now obsolete booklets hanging from their walls and bulletin boards, many will set about replacing their calendars, or else carrying out the tedious yet somehow cathartic task of wiping off their dry-erase monthly planners and rewriting them for the upcoming month. Then, finally, there are those that will take advantage of this time of renewal and resolve to make a major change in their lives.

Research by University of Minnesota associate psychology professor Marti Hope Gonzales shows about 80 per cent of people who make resolutions on Jan. 1 give up on their goals by Valentine’s Day.

“We make resolutions every year as a kind of reckoning of the self when the long, dark nights start turning shorter and we think of new beginnings,” Gonzales says. However, they are still possible to achieve, she says, as long as realistic goals are set and firm plans are made.

Sadly, many bad habits go unnoticed by those most in need of stopping them, meaning they never attempt to alter these problems. With the philanthropic goal of helping those who can’t help themselves in mind, the following is a list of resolutions for people who steadfastly refuse to make them:

The guy who does voiceovers on Manswers " To resolve to sound less like a ludicrous mixture of a monster truck show announcer, a strip club DJ and sideshow clown all the time. This would lend a bit of scientific credibility to the show that gets to the bottom of “hard-hitting questions.”

The hosts from Keys to the V.I.P. " To resolve to prove their worth by competing against one another on an episode of the show before being allowed to return to insulting the ineptness of unlucky competitors from the comfort of their mahogany and leather studio set.

Rick Mercer " To address criticisms made by former 22 Minutes castmate Mary Walsh that he doesn’t “do much satire anymore” on the Rick Mercer Report and resolve to trade time slots with George Stroumboulopoulos. Airing at 11 p.m. instead of 8 p.m. would also allow Mercer to bring a less-family friendly spin to Canadian political issues, filling a lull left in the wake of Air Farce’s finale and perhaps one day making my dream of a Rick Mercer appearance on The Daily Show or Colbert Report come true.

George Lucas " To recognize public disgust at recent films like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and Star Wars: The Clone Wars and resolve to leave his old franchises alone " unless he’s thinking about remaking Willow.

Share this article on:

Facebook | DiggDigg |

Copyright © 2008 The Gazette