Miss Teen USA named Secretary of Education

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

Following her eloquent acceptance speech as the new Miss Teen USA, Lauren Caitlin Upton was nominated by U.S. President George W. Bush as his new Secretary of Education, replacing current Secretary Margaret Spellings.

Bush was adamant in defense of his decision. “I saw Miss Upton on the television, and her good talking convinced me that she’s the woman for the job.”

Outgoing Secretary Spellings was less enthusiastic about her replacement.

“This is f""" bulls"". There should be a law that your IQ has to be higher than your bust size in order to sit on Cabinet.”

Spelling’s diatribe continued until the Secret Service escorted her out of the Briefing Room.

Before she won the competition, Miss Upton was better known as Miss Teen South Carolina. Judges responsible for selecting the winner of the competition noted her public speaking skills as a main reason behind their decision.

“Her stunning defense of the American education system was the most patriotic speech I have seen since Reagan at the Berlin Wall,” judge Leonard Feldstein said. “Quite frankly, I choked up a little.”

The Senate unanimously confirmed Miss Upton " an unprecedented move in an increasingly partisan organization. Members of the Republican Party hailed the move as showing “strong leadership” and presenting “a fresh face.” The Democratic Party claimed the appointment would represent the “final nail in the coffin” of an “increasingly ridiculous administration.”

Miss Upton was gracious in her acceptance of the position and the responsibilities attached to it.

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans will be able find countries, like such as, the Iraq and South Africa and the Asian countries thanks to me and education like, such as geography and maps.”

When asked about the circumstances of her nomination, Miss Upton stared blankly at the press gallery, smiling before a handler led her off the stage.

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