Obesity is a global pandemic: is China next?

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

The Purple Onion is an entirely fictional feature intended to poke fun at popular culture, politics, and society. Please do not take anything written below seriously or as fact.

It is a report that will send chills down the spine of every dietitian around the world: the fatasses are taking over.

Thanks to the International Day for Evaluating Obesity study, we now know obese people make up between half and two-thirds of the population in 63 countries across five continents â€" not including America.

With McDonald’s in Europe running out of mayonnaise for their french fries and diabetes becoming a legitimate problem in Africa, the issue of obesity has popped out of the Happy Meal onto the international stage.

Though the “pandemic” has yet to reach south and east Asia in equal numbers as the rest of the world, scientists fear it’s only a matter of time. A main concern is whether the global food supply could stand the strain of a heavier society.

“Could you imagine the possibilities if China experiences obesity on the same level as America?” professor Gerard Grasseau, one of the study’s researchers, asked. “We’d be going to soylent green before you could say Charlton Heston!”

But even if we start cannibalizing our dead, that may not be enough to fight global famine. Overpopulation and the need for farmland will become an even greater problem in the future.

Luckily for those of us with a body mass index lower than 30 per cent, one crusader has taken up the torch to fight against global obesity.

Richard Simmons, international icon for his role in numerous television shows and videos, will be starting a global lecture tour.

Incorporating his unique sense of humour into his Power Point presentations, the first few events have seen Simmons lecturing packed school gymnasiums and auditoriums.

Even though Simmons brings a healthy dose of knowledge to the field, some prominent celebrities have expressed doubts with the validity of scientists’ claims.

“Personally, I think more research has to be done on [global obesity] before I can offer an accurate comment,” golfer John Daly said after he was spotted leaving Applebee’s late last week.

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