Western girls stuck to Lululimon

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

The Purple Onion is an entirely fictional feature intended to poke fun at popular culture, politics, and society. Please do not take anything written below seriously or as fact.

Canadian yoga clothing chain Lululimon was recently under fire for its claims of health benefits resulting from the wear of seaweed-laced VitaWeed fabric, used in some of the company’s popular attire.

The federal government’s Competition Bureau requested Lululimon stop making the claims until there is scientific proof.

Yesterday, new accusations against the company emerged from campus organization Activists for National Naked-truth on Yoga Society (ANNOYS).

The group claims Lululimon’s UpLift fabric, found in its popular new line of spandex-like pants, has a major design flaw.

On the Lululimon website, the UpLift line is described as “chic yoga attire that contains Omega-3, antioxidants, and small traces of Valium to ensure a constant state of meditation when worn.”

Valium concerns aside, ANNOYS found the UpLift attire a little too clingy " especially when heated.

“When you participate in hot yoga classes while wearing [UpLift clothing], the fabric actually fuses to your skin,” Kelly Griffon, ANNOYS spokesperson, explained.

Hot yoga is performed at Chauchsha Yoga centre in London, where the room is heated to a sweltering 37 degrees Celsius.

Chauchsha Yoga owner Skye Chopra has seen the effects of UpLift in action.

“Our clients are forced to walk around with those clingy black pants for hours, or even days, after a hot yoga session,” Robertson explained.

Biology professor Arnold Brock said the fabric bonds tightly to human flesh when exposed to heat, and forms a symbiotic relationship with the wearer " similar to the suit worn by Peter Parker in last summer’s popular film Spider-Man 3.

“It was bizarre,” second-year sociology student Marissa Lee said of her recent experience wearing UpLift pants to a hot yoga class.

“I couldn’t get the damn things off for over a week, so I tried to hide them by wearing a long coat and big Ugg boots.”

ANNOYS is planning a protest in front of the Lululimon store in Messonville Mall next Saturday.

Lee, who plans on attending the protest, said there are many Lululimon sufferers on campus.

“We’re hiding our faces out of shame behind big sunglasses. It feels so dirty wearing the same pair of pants day after day.”

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