Pony proposal proves popular

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

The Purple Onion is an entirely fictional feature intended to poke fun at popular culture, politics and society. Please do not take anything written below seriously or as fact.

With the Holidays fast approaching, it’s time to think about the more important things in life. Like getting that pony you always wanted.

Across the nation, many people suffer from a type of depression researchers have termed ‘PAD’: Pony Absence Disorder. PAD is a mood disorder, characterized by a disregard for authority and abnormally heavy consumption of alcohol.

“This is a serious health issue,” claimed Desiree Etain, campus PAD Awareness Committee leader. “I personally suffer from PAD, and I find it appalling that I have to spend every night drinking and disrespecting authority.

“I just want my little pony.”

The drive for ponies is not new to the Western Students’ Union.

“It’s a question that comes up every year,” Daniel Singer, the WSU’s VP-finance, said.

“We believe the abnormal levels of PAD in university students may be attributed to their sense of entitlement,” Dr. Philip Equis, a researcher at Rohan University and leader of the PAD study, said.

“Many students believe their need for something overrides all other determining factors, such as practicality and cost,” Dr. Equis added.

Dr. Rose Bayard, another researcher with the project, offered a different hypothesis.

“Personally, I believe the discrepancy may be due to something missing from the childhood,” Bayard said.

Bayard went on to explain some study findings: “96 per cent of those researched who had access to a pony in their youth did not show signs of PAD.”

Luckily for Western students, a group of students have come together to pressure the WSU to include a special “Pony Allowance” in the student health plan.

A campus-wide survey, independent of the WSU, found that 91 per cent of the 2,300 votes were in favour of a pony for every student, though 52 per cent of respondents claimed they would sell their pony to the Elmer Glue Company if they were offered enough money.

Singer was skeptical of the findings.

“Are the respondents aware of how much these ponies will cost the WSU? Who will pay for upkeep? What if the students are allergic to ponies? There are many questions this survey doesn’t answer.”

Etain said she was very impressed with the response to the survey, though she did have misgivings.

“We’ll take a look at the findings,” Etain said. “Hopefully we can all come together to stop PAD at Western.”

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