Morton saves the Maple Loaves

Entire 1962 Loaves roster to be reanimated

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

The Purple Onion is an entirely fictional feature intended to poke fun at popular culture, politics, and society. Please do not take anything written below seriously as fact.

The Scarborough Maple Loaves were in a slide. After dropping 11 of the last 13 games, management was desperate for new options.

Luckily, help has arrived in the form of an old legend: former Maple Loaves star Jim Morton has returned from the dead to play. Canadians will know Morton as the namesake of a popular coffee chain.

Morton led the team to its first victory in weeks after slaughtering rivals the Hull Congressmen.

During post-game interviews, Morton only gave cryptic responses to simple questions. When asked how he felt after being dead for the past 30 years, Morton replied, “BRAAAAAAAINS [sic].”

One can only assume Morton was referring to the hockey savvy of Dick Pedal, head of Maple Loaves and Sugar Entertainment (MLSE).

Insiders claim Morton’s reanimation originated at the University of Minnesota, where experimental new procedures have uncovered startling results.

By injecting stem cells into the heart of a dead rat, researchers were able to revive the rodent. Unfortunately, the rat’s newfound control over mortality created a “super-rat” with an insatiable appetite for human brains.

MLSE has been linked to the university’s research.

Pedal made it clear Morton’s success would result in the eventual reanimation of the entire 1962 Maple Loaves roster.

Fans will remember that team winning three straight championships thanks to the efforts of players including Morton, Green Kelley, John Bauer and Fred Mahovalick.

After the Loaves’ first win, Pedal was smug.

“To all those who claimed that I couldn’t bring this team back from the brink with one big move,” Pedal said, “I think you owe me an apology.”

As to whether the Loaves owes its victory to Morton’s consumption of the entire opposing team (and most of the Loaves’ roster), Pedal was non-committal.

“We won, they lost. That will be all.”

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