Historic $303,000 gift from children to parents

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

The Purple Onion is an entirely fictional feature intended to poke fun at popular culture, politics, and society. Please do not take anything written below seriously or as fact.

The phrase “Keeping up with the Joneses” might have to be replaced with “Keeping up with the Morgans” after an incredible donation from Billy and Susie Morgan to their parents Paul and Tricia " the largest child contribution in Canadian history.

After reading about how expensive it is to raise a child from birth, Billy decided he and Susie should make an appropriate pledge to their parents: approximately $303,000 over the next 30 years.

Although Susie, four years junior to Billy, was initially surprised to find out she was going to be paying her parents almost $500 a month for the next few decades, her surprise quickly transformed into happiness.

“I thought of how Mumsy and Dadsy have been able to give us such a great home,” Susie said. “They pay for food, they helped us learn and grow, and I think it’s only natural that we pay them back.”

The announcement came after a morning of whispered speculation, as journalists swarmed the Morgans’ quiet neighbourhood. A large banner obscured most of the home " indicating an upcoming announcement from Billy and Susie.

The crowds, and tension, gathered steadily for most of the morning, until Susie and Billy stepped onto the hastily erected platform in front of their parents’ house.

As hired cheerleaders danced and sang in the background, an attentive crowd applauded as Susie made the big announcement.

“We really wanted the announcement to show how devoted we are to our family,” Susie said. “We know that our money will help make life better for our parents.”

Tricia Morgan was all smiles as she took the stage amidst thunderous cheers.

“This just shows how incredible our kids are,” she began. “Hopefully Billy and Susie’s donation will inspire other kids to show their parents they understand the burdens of child-rearing.”

Paul agreed. “This money will go towards a new gym, which should be completed one or two years before Billy and Susie move on to university.”

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