Caffeine referendum 'victory for democracy'

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

The Purple Onion is an entirely fictional feature intended to poke fun at popular culture, politics, and society. Please do not take anything written below seriously or as fact.

Caffeine addicts at the University of Southern Ontario are going to have to look to a different source for their habit. A recent referendum ensured the student-owned store Pony Express would no longer sell popular caffeine drinks.

Though only five per cent of the 15,000-strong student population voted, the student council on campus " Students Of Southern Ontario, also known as SOSO " has made it clear it is bound to the referendum results.

“Unfortunately, our bylaws are very clear on the issue,” SOSO chief elections officer Jack Smythe explained. “Do we wish things had come out differently? Maybe. But the fact remains: the results are binding.”

The issue was first raised by student group Co-eds Against Caffeine Sales in an earlier SOSO meeting, the student government started discussing the issue. After numerous debates, council decided to leave the issue in the hands of students.

Unfortunately for the council, the issue gained little support in the student population " overshadowed by the concurrent election of the next SOSO president. Fingers started pointing soon after election night.

“Why did the [referendum question] read the way it did?” Tim Ulente, a third-year arts and history major, said. Ulente was a vocal opponent of the motion.

“It changed the entire debate to a values issue,” he added.

The question, which asked “Would you buy caffeine products from the Pony Express?” has been under fire by many students for being unnecessarily confusing.

“Where was the option for ‘I don’t know’?” Jimmy Snits, a second-year business student, asked. “Besides, I don’t have the time to read the question over carefully.

“The election committee should’ve known what I meant when I voted.”

Olivia Blivious, general manager of the Pony Express, said she was unaware of the vote, but was sure the store would be able to succeed financially even if caffeine sales amounted to half the store’s profits.

Stacey Banting, president of Coeds Against Caffeine Sales, said, “The election results showed a clear and concise victory for democracy.”

“The majority has spoken, and the choice is clear,” Banting explained. “Now we can finally stop students from hurting themselves by ingesting large amounts of this disgusting drug.

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