'Bowels won't ask when drugstore's open'

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

The Purple Onion is an entirely fictional feature intended to poke fun at popular culture, politics, and society. Please do not take anything written below seriously or as fact.

Shouts of frustration and disgust were heard at the University of Southern Ontario yesterday as students discovered changes to their washroom facilities a bit too late.

The decision to remove toilet paper from all male washrooms followed the recent controversy over a lack of pads and tampons in female washrooms.

Southern Ontario President Henry Bittaford announced yesterday it would be removing toilet paper from the men’s washrooms in order to avoid accusations of unequal treatment.

“At $0.25 each, tampons and pads are too expensive for our already tight budget,” Bittaford explained. “But we also have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to gender discrimination. If females are being inconvenienced, males should be as well.”

But women on campus aren’t overjoyed at the news.

“It’s not the direction we’d hoped they’d move in,” Julie Nielson, a fourth-year nursing student, said.

Last night, an angry group of male students delivered a petition with 466 signatures to Southern Ontario’s Physical Plant Services.

“My bowels are not going to ask when the drugstore is open,” Norman Brown, a third-year English student, argued.

Acting manager of Physical Plant Services Joe Timberland, said he supported their cause, but explained his department had no say in the issue.

Certain claims made on the Facebook group, “UWO GIVE ME TOILET PAPER!!!!!” and the petition were “extremely inaccurate,” according to Timberland.

In the face student complaints, Bittaford stood by the university’s decision.

“It might upset some students, but I’m willing to sacrifice their happiness for equality across campus,” he said.

On the other hand, hippies across the campus are rejoicing at the excuse to become closer to nature.

“We’re telling all students to use tree leaves or grass blades as a more eco-friendly option,” Verna Moon, a second-year environmental politics student, said.

“Bark is another great idea for the chillier months, when vegetation is hard to find,” third-year ecology student Lyra Forrester added.

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