Secret sex life?

How to keep your humping hidden from your friends

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

A girl taking off her clothes at the end of an occupied bed

Lulu Wei

At one point or another, we’ve all hooked up with someone we shouldn’t have. Your friend’s ex is looking good at the bar. A co-worker has been flirting a lot lately. The person you’re fooling around with is embarrassingly unattractive.

Whatever the case, you don’t want people finding out. Sex can be lots of fun, but if you’re sleeping with your next-door neighbour in residence and people find out, your stay could end up more awkward than that greasy-faced kid in Grade 9 science. Here’s some tips to keep things discreet:

Don’t slip up
It’s tempting to take a couple of close friends into confidence, but it’s not a good idea. If you really need to tell someone, know full well people talk. The more people you tell, the greater chance the entire world finds out. Next thing you know, you’ll be more talked-about than the Saugeen stripper.

No PDA
If the goal is keeping people from finding out about the hanky panky, it won’t help your case by showing it off in public. Everybody notices public displays of affection, and it won’t take long for those people to pick up on your wide-open flirting. It doesn’t mean keeping your hands pinned to your side, but at least keep it in your pants until you get home.

Pick your spots
Where you’re doing it makes all the difference. Your roommates might be more astute than you think, so if someone is sleeping over on a regular basis you might as well start fooling around in the living room. Don’t be an idiot about location, and for God’s sake, hide the shoes.

Damage control
Let’s be honest " there’s a good chance someone will figure things out. If a roommate doesn’t see an extra pair of shoes in the doorway, you still might slip up at the bar one night. If you really think someone is onto you, consider taking them into confidence. If they figure it out on their own, others will follow. If you tell them, they’ll be hard-pressed to gossip in good conscience.

Find an alibi
Even if your friends figure out you’re fooling around with someone, they don’t have to know whom. Tell them you’re getting it on with a friend from class. Or you hooked up with somebody at the bar. Or you’re hiring a hooker. Just make it believable and don’t attach a name. Your friends won’t think much of it when you don’t come home at night, and with some luck they’ll write off anything else you give away.

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