Random hookup?

Polite ways to say 'please leave'

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

You wake up in a bed. Maybe it’s yours, maybe it isn’t " it doesn’t really matter. Someone else is in this bed besides you, and it isn’t your pet cat Franklin. It’s a random, a good friend or maybe somebody from your floor in residence. Whether or not you remember what happened the night before, one thing is certain: it’s going to be awkward once you’re both awake.

So how do you avoid this awkwardness? Assuming this person isn’t someone you’d like to continue a relationship with, bacon and eggs doesn’t seem like the best way to remedy the situation. What if they’re a vegan? Then you have a whole new set of problems.

Here are some ways to avoid those awkward glares and hints to “please leave”:

Take a shower
If it’s your place, take a shower. Hopefully, by the time you’re done cleaning up, your partner in awkwardness will be gone or at least fully dressed. Make sure taking a shower doesn’t turn into an offer, unless you’re willing to keep the whole charade going.

Don’t forget anything
There’s nothing worse than calling a person the next day or firing off a Facebook message to the tune of “Umm, I think I left my shirt/keys/wallet somewhere in your house. Can you drop it off at my place?”

And by showing up to retrieve lost goods, you risk intensifying an already awkward situation. Don’t leave anything behind " this isn’t a game of Clue.

Call a taxi in advance
It’s sneaky, but it works. Call a taxi so they have no choice but to leave. Don’t make it too obvious, but when the cab pulls up outside the house, don’t be shy about letting them know it. With the car running outside and your foot beating on the floor, the message should come across loud and clear: leave.

Go to “work”
This works whether you have a job or not, though it works better if you actually do; you don’t need any more guilt piled on your already overburdened soul. Funerals, weddings, charity work and volunteering at the local homeless shelter also work but are less convincing. Give it a try, but don’t be surprised when eyebrows are raised.

Put on some clothes
Try doing this before falling asleep. Nothing makes someone catch the hint better than being the only naked person in the house. Being fully dressed and ready to go in the morning is a good sign that can leave everything else unspoken. Putting on your shoes might be a bit much though. The same goes for your winter gear. Nothing says “get out” like a tuque!

Pretend to be asleep
Admittedly, this is a pretty low move, but it could work. Try pretending to be asleep until your partner leaves on their own. This can be dangerous if it erodes into a contest of wills based on who can fake sleep the longest. Nobody wants to be the person who sneaked out the door while the other was snoozing.

Just be honest
When it all boils down, the above is a bit superfluous. Get some courage, liquid or otherwise, and say it: “Please leave.”

Attacking the situation head-on is often the best way to deal with any awkward vibes. Address the situation like adults and clear up any issues before they turn into problems.

And next time you see that person on campus, don’t be ashamed to wave. You didn’t do anything wrong. Right?

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