The Gazette's New Year's anti-resolutions

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

1. Screw the gym: challenge yourself to an eating contest or junk food marathon.

2. Saving money is for jerks: spend it on something completely ridiculous. We suggest renting a bouncy castle or funding elaborate pranks on your roommate.

3. Don’t try to get better at anything important: acquire meaningless skills. Become a flip-cup, tic-tac-toe, or Yahtzee master.

4. When stress rules your life, it’s funny for everyone else: puke before every major test or exam and pee your pants when challenged or frustrated.

5. Habits are fun: if you’re quitting smoking, pick up another, more annoying but less deadly habit " perhaps chewing tobacco, your hair, your clothing, or other people’s fingernails.

6. Negativity is hilarious: focus on destroying people’s self esteem in a funny way. This way, at least you’ll be a popular jerk.

7. Putting work into relationships is boring and time-consuming: sleep with as many people as possible, with little to no emotional connection.

8. Charities are better when they benefit you: accept donations to your own personal betterment fund. Use this list to show donators what their money will go toward.

9. Only losers go to class: resolve to avoid class for as long as possible this semester. If you live in rez, see how long you can go without leaving the building/seeing the sun.

10. Reading informed news gets old: it’s funnier to make fun of ignorant people. Pick up a Grapevine.

11. Desperation can land some girls a guy: get pregnant and that one night stand will turn into something much more long-term.

12. Challenging yourself requires effort: prey on the weak by joining a children’s sports league. Use contact in no-contact leagues.

13. Why limit time on Facebook? Take creeping to new levels and “poke” as many girls/guys as you can whom you don’t know but find attractive. This will reduce hairy palms.

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