The Gazette's Christmas list

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

December 5, 2007 Ed Cartoon

In the spirit of our last issue before the holidays (and perhaps fuelled by spirits? You’ll never know...) we at The Gazette decided to forge a Christmas list of things we’d love to see at Western. If you’re scared, you probably should be.

Here goes nothing:

• No Sunday exams. No, let’s do it one better " no weekend exams.

• Every Western student supplied with their own personal taser for on-campus use.

• The McDonald’s Monopoly game to run all year, and Tim Hortons’ Roll up the Rim program to do the same, but only in biodegradable cups.

• More enthusiastic volunteers. Bonus if they are reliable and competent. Double-bonus if they fact check.

• Less salmonella!

• Cameras expertly placed in slippery areas on campus. That way, we could have a stunning outtakes/blooper video.

• Rocket skates for slow walkers on campus.

• Tear down the Social Science Centre and replace it with a building not so hard on the eyes.

• An automatic quote transcriber, so we didn’t have to sift through the litany of “uhh’s” “umm’s” and “like’s” from sources.

• Two Swedish masseuses on the payroll: one male, one female.

• Bill Waterson (creator of Calvin and Hobbes) at our disposal for the Graphics department

• The following are amendments for Rick McGhie nights: (a) a couple of new songs for Rick; (b) Bring back the $2.50 beers during Rick nights; (c) eliminate the “Die, die, die, die!” chant from Rick’s rendition of “American Pie”

• Cheaper eats at The Wave.

• A daily happy hour on campus. We’ll give all those physicians specializing in liver conditions something to do in 40 years.

• A half-pipe on University College Hill.

• Bring back the old Spoke. Most of you young bucks won’t remember it, but trust us: it was good.

• A Western faculty swimsuit calendar. Mee-yow.

• Two-for-one chicken curry, as well as a vegetarian curry option, available every day at the Spoke.

• A chill pill for King’s University College President Ryan Gauss.

• Tunnels between all the campus buildings. It’s hella cold out there.

• A permanent ceasefire (if not an outright peace) between Ivey students and the rest of Western.

• Mandatory bus etiquette classes given to first-year students; we could weed out those clowns that occupy a seat with their backpack or don’t think to move to the back of a crowded bus.

Happy holidays, Western. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you in January.

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