Boras is a dick, Burke is slick, Saban is a clown

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

Following last week’s humiliating loss to the University of Louisiana-Monroe, Alabama Crimson Tide head coach Nick Saban likened the “catastrophe” to Sept. 11 and Pearl Harbor. Granted, the Tide have a huge Iron Bowl game against in-state rival Auburn University next week, but it’s still evident Saban is a Tyra Banks-esque drama queen.

In more NCAA pigskin news, longtime Michigan Wolverines head coach Lloyd Carr has decided to retire. After losing to nemesis Jim Tressel and the archrival Ohio State Buckeyes for the fourth straight season, Carr was facing increasing heat in Ann Arbor.

While the Maize and Blue saw some success under Carr " a 1997 national title and a winning percentage close to 80 per cent stick out " Michigan brass were ready to hire Alice Cooper, Kid Rock and Eminem as headhunters. Let’s face it: the musicians would be more aggressive than Michigan’s defence.

U.S. federal prosecutors are asking a judge this week to order troubled NFL pivot Michael Vick to set aside $1 million for the care of pit bulls seized from Vick’s dogfighting operation. Maybe we’ve overestimated the needs of a canine, but a million bucks can buy a shitload of Iams. The chunk of money is the least of Vick’s worries, however; he’s going to be treated like a chew toy in prison.

Pro sports super-agent Scott Boras is up to his usual tricks lately. After being left out in the cold in the Alex Rodriguez contract negotiations with the New York Yankees, Boras is trying to make up for lost time by finding a fat contract for free agent centre fielder Andruw Jones. Jones hit a measly .222 with the Atlanta Braves last season. If that’s a forecast of what he brings to the table, he should be paid like a City of Atlanta custodian.

While A-Rod winning the 2007 American League MVP was pretty much in the bag, Philadelphia Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins stirred some controversy when he won the National League MVP award this week. Rollins narrowly edged out Colorado Rockies outfielder Matt Holliday in the voting.

Rollins is a notoriously cocky individual and a perpetual gum-flapper, with good reason: he can hit the ball, flash the leather and swipe a bag with the elite. What’s missing from the equation? A postseason series win. After carrying his Rockies to the World Series, the edge should have been with Holliday.

The Anaheim Ducks have agreed to a five-year contract extension with stud young forward Ryan Getzlaf worth $26.6 million. Getzlaf leads the Ducks in assists (14) and points (21) this season.

The Ducks are just going to keep rolling, leaving fans of other franchises (re: the Toronto Maple Leafs) supremely jealous. When talking general managers, if Ducks GM Brian Burke is equivalent to a BMW, that would make Leafs honcho John Ferguson Jr. a Tonka truck ... or maybe more aptly, a clown car. Sigh.

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