Tuna retires, Britney rejected, Bengal arrested

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

Hats off to the Bengals for putting the “sin” back in Cincinnati. Rookie cornerback Johnathan Joseph was arrested this week for possession of marijuana, making him the ninth Bengal arrested in nine months. Devoid of boats, strippers, and the Minnesota Vikings, the Bengals are well on their way to spending more time in the slammer than Ogie Oglethorpe.

In other football news, Britney Spears contacted CBS hoping to perform at its Super Bowl halftime show. The network promptly rejected her request. Britney singing and gyrating onstage was a tremendously exciting prospect " in the 20th century. Apologies to K-Fed, and if we just got Britney’s knickers in a twist, we’re sure a vodka tonic (or eight) will cure what ails her.

Famed head coach Bill Parcells has retired from the Dallas Cowboys. Apparently the Tuna had enough headaches and ulcers from trying to rein in Terrell Owens, the wooden-headed league idiot. Parcells is 65 years old and already left the New York Giants in 1991 due to heart trouble. Having to deal with the hot-air-balloon egos of Owens and team owner Jerry Jones can’t be good for the Tuna’s ticker. Not everyone likes Parcells and his coaching methods, but no one wants to see him on toast with a dill pickle on the side.

Middleweight champion boxer Oscar de la Hoya will have his hands full if he wants trainer Floyd Mayweather Sr. for his match against Mayweather’s son, welterweight Floyd Mayweather Jr. Mayweather Sr. wants a pay bump to $2 million to help de la Hoya beat his son, saying he is “the only one who can tell [de la Hoya] how to do that.” That’s one way to avoid social services " have someone else beat the living piss out of your son for you and then get paid for it.

In a show of sportsmanship and respect for elders, New York Yankees two-bagger Robinson Cano has agreed to switch his number 22 jersey to number 24 if pitcher Roger Clemens comes back to pitch for the pinstripes. Whether Clemens, the biggest jerk this side of the St. Lawrence River, deserves this respect is up for debate.

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